PJ Harvey

I often wondered over the last few years what PJ Harvey was up to. On the evidence of her latest album, she certainly wasn't practising her singing.

Footballus interuptus

It was the 4th round of the Carling Cup last night. If you recall, Coventry beat Man Ure at Old Trafford in the last round, so I was particularly interested. Even better, the game was televised. Although I have a stiff deadline at work (the worst kind), I managed to escape fairly early avoiding eye contact with most of my team, got the hire bike on the road and was home half an hour before kick off. The wife was in her cleaning mode (very rare), and wasn't hungry so I had free reign of downstairs. I put a steak and kidney pie and some chips in the oven, set the timer for 30 minutes, changed to channel 401 and waited for the Spanish football to finish. The coverage started, Geoff Stelling in the chair, Gary McAllister as the guest. All good. The oven beeped and I went to get my dinner. The pie had come from the freezer, so when I stuck my finger in the middle of it, it was cold. Damnit, my timing was bad, my pie'n'chips won't be ready for the kick off. Never mind. I set the oven for a further 15 minutes, I'd be in hog heaven five minutes into the game. Wife was still busy upstairs, kid was asleep. The game started.

2 minutes into the game, there was a knock on the front door. I'd be buggered if I was going to answer it, but the wife shot down the stairs. My worst nightmare, the brother-in-law and his American wife. Now I don't do families, never have. Especially my wife's. Me and the b-i-l have a bit of history as well, so to say he is my least favourite person in the world should be taken quite literally. 'Look who's here' my wife chirupped. I think the scowl on my face stopped her in her cheerful tracks. I turned the tele off. I would rather not watch the game than watch it and have him giving me his pearl's of wisdom throughout.

'I hear you've had an accident' he said. 'Yes' I replied 'I was travellling...' 'I had an accident once' and continued to tell me about all the accidents he, his friends, his friend's friends, his friend's friends friends relations, and Michael Schumacher have had.

'How's work going' he asked. 'Ok, been a bit busy..' 'My boss is really pissing me off. I basically run the company but still wants me to put more hours in.'

And it continued in this vein for what felt like 30 years.

I guess I got off lightly, they only stayed for an hour and refused the wife's copious amounts of drink offers.

As he got up to leave (there are always at least 4 false dawns) he said 'Guess what I've got? Go on, guess'.
'Er, I really don't know' I said, tiredly, frustratedly, one eye on the remote.
'Go on, have a guess'.
'Herpes?' I replied optimistically
'A signed Springbok rugby jersey from the final'
He then walked up to me, clenched his fist and shouted 'COME ON SOUTH AFRICA' in my face. It was at this point my wife said 'Look, you had better go.'

I'm not a violent man, but there are occasions when a 25 stretch seems worth it.

So they fucked off, and I got to the game just in time to see West Ham equalise. By the time my pie and chips were reheated, the game was over and we had lost (93rd minute winner).

On a positive note, it looks like some half wit has decided to buy Coventry and the threat of administration has been shelved. Happy days.

Gut Inglish Ja?

I noticed that the evaluation period on some software I have been using expired. Not having my credit card to hand to purchase a full license (yeah, right) I managed to locate a crack. What follows are the instructions included.

Install the program first and then this one
Starting computers newly.

Pushing the Keygen.exe and entering the following according to this.

At Usernahme: Name is registered the with that one of the computers.
With company: Entering privately

A reg file then presses Generate and is created it.
The reg select and then with the right mouse button
brings together select.

Starting then the computer newly. The wars.

I assume English is not the hacker's first language. Now where's my credit card...

Major breaking news

On the home page of bbc.co.uk/news/ today:
Ronaldo says Man Ure will win the double
Patsy and RICKYYYYY are returning to Eastenders
'Sitcom To The Manor (Re)born for one-off Christmas special '

I take it it's a slow day in News Town? It must be if one of the main stories is a footballer making a prediction. How is that (or either of the other stories) news?

Some advice from Moose

Moose, the wee Scotsman in the Carp told me on Saturday that I shouldn't use my debit card at petrol stations. They double swipe your card and send the money to the Tamil Tigers apparently. Not long after dispensing this advice, he farted very loudly and staggered out the pub, never to be seen again (until next weekend). You learn a lot drinking in the Carp.

Bikes and wishes

I managed to wangle a hire bike out of the insurance company on the weekend. An 07 Honda CBF600 Hornet, and very nice it is to. I took it for a spin on Sunday, just to make sure I knew where everything was. My train ticket ran out yesterday, so I decided not to renew it, and to take the bike into London. Now I was a little nervous about doing this. It's only just over two weeks since my horror 100mph smash (slight exageration). My ribs and shoulder are still bombay ducked, and I wondered how my body, and more importantly my bottle, would handle it. I couldn't sleep last night, and I got up half an hour earlier than normal to get on the road before the traffic got too busy. I tried not to wake the wife and baby, but as I was leaving the front door at 6am, this little voice came from the front bedroom 'Ride safely'. Great advice, cheers.

I made it in without too much anguish, and even did a couple of stupid manoeuvres so I must be ok. Half of London has become roadworks in the last two weeks I noticed.

Xmas 07

I was in the local garden centre on Saturday. (I was buying logs ok?) Anyway, as I turned the corner to approach the tills, I was greeted with this sight. I suddenly panicked as I haven't finished (or started) my Xmas shopping. I then realised that it was 2 months, less 2 days, before Xmas day. Is this the earliest anyone has put up Xmas decorations, I wonder? To put up all these decorations before the clocks go back must be some sort of record. I applaud you Notcutts Nursery, London Road, Bagshot, a new low has been achieved.

What makes it worse is that there were people actually buying some stuff.

High brow conversations in our (lunch) time

Overheard on my way out to lunch:

'And he was like. Y'know what I mean?'
'Yeah'

La chat

I love cats, always have. Kittens are better, but cats are pretty cool as well. I am the proud guardian of three of them. Unusually, they are all related. This might not appear to be that unusual, but my three cats are grandmother, mother and son. Anyway, moving swiftly on. I was attending some last minute 'modifications' on my bike on Saturday before the insurance sent someone out to assess the damage. I was happily going ahead with this, then spotted something out the corner of my eye. Blood. I wandered over to this and saw, amongst the blood and in order of identification;
- a rat's head (chewed off to just above the neck),
- a rat's tail,
- a rat's leg and foot (I didn't study the massacre to identify whether it was left/right, fore/aft),
- what I would imagine was a rat's stomach

The rest of the rat was missing, I presume consumed by one or all of my moggies. I had to quickly gather up all the bits and hurl them over the neighbour's fence before the wife saw them and fainted. That's the last time I let one of those filty bastards lick my face.

Today's choice

Girls,
a) Pencil thin legs
b) Furry boots

Please select ONE of the above.

More train stories

I had another young lady as a companion on the way in this morning. She did nothing out of the ordinary the whole way in and I managed to listen to the iPod on shuffle and read my book (The Business - Iain Banks, I finished Whit last night) in peace without getting distracted as I did with yesterday's theatrics. The train stopped at Waterloo, and she got up. I pocketed my pod, zipped my jacket up, shuffled across a bit and put my hand on the adjacent seat that she had just vacated. It was then that she sat down again, on my hand. She shot back up, spun around and glared at me like I had molested her. Stupid cow, made me all embarrassed she did.

On the tube, another girl was applying make up. It must be contagious.

Arachnid anger

Since I have to take the train to and from work (insurance hasn't sorted out the bike yet), I've had to walk home from the station at night. My arrival coincides with His Majesty's bed time so a lift is out of the question. At precisely the same spot, I walk through a spider's web. I spend the rest of my walk cussing and trying to get the web off my face and out of my hair.

It occurred to me last night that the spider must be getting really pissed off with me.

You couldn't make it up

A young lady boarded the train at Ascot and occupied the vacant seat adjacent to me this morning. She dug around in her bag for a while, then produced two female type magazines and a particularly large make up bag. She then proceeded to give herself a good going over. I'm talking the whole shebang here; base, blusher, eyeliner, lash curly thing. It took her the rest of the journey (about an hour from Ascot). I knew we were approaching Waterloo, because the careful application of powders and creams suddenly speeded up, it was watching Jackson Pollock at work. When the train arrived at it's destination, she stuffed everything back into her bag (including the unread magazines) and exited with everyone else.

All I could think was that it was a good job she found a seat, or else she would have had to turn up at work looking like a bag of spanners.

Lousy sporting week ad nauseam

Coventry lost their third game in a row last night, 3-0 to Watford. It's also the third game in a row that we have failed to score.

Because of our financial difficulties (i.e. £38 million in debt, please note Mrs Abbey National, my overdraft isn't that bad after all is it?), the league have put a transfer embargo on us, so we can't sign any more players. Like we have the money to do that anyway. I think an embargo is a little harsh. Zimbabwe gets better treatment.

Our manager Ian Dowie has been linked with the vacant Bolton job, to which he is 'flattered'. I guess he'll be off n'all. Happy days.

Happiness is...

When you turn up on a platform and the train arrives immediately, with the door stopping right in front of you.

Rule of the day

If an email contains the subject header 'You'll love this one', you invariably won't.

Fat letter

I saw on the news that there is a new government agenda which will make schools send letters to fat kid's parents telling them that their kids are fat. Firstly, I wonder how these will be worded?

Dear Mrs Arbuckle,
Your son is a fat twat. To avoid receving more letters on the subject, please stop feeding him lard.
Yours
Mr A.Sadist
Headmaster - Winnie Mandela Comprehensive

Secondly, don't the government and schools have more pressing things to worry about, like shootings, stabbings and 11 year old crack addiction? Sometimes this country drives me to ice cream.

Copyright is killing piracy

I found this on the Beeb earlier today. Now I'm an avide Oink-ite, so naturally dissapointed (and to be honest, a little worried). I've done my rounds of P2P and download sites. Used to do the FTP stuff, then Napster, Kazaa, Soulseek and Oink until they all got closed down. I have to admit I download a lot, and I am a naughty boy. In my defence, I also buy a lot, working on the theory that if I download something and like it, I will purchase the CD. I've said before, if the record industry would make music affordable, piracy would all but stop. I mean how much money do EMI and Elton want? Anyway, we all know that downloading music is bad, but something has really riled me today. I saw on a friend's blog that he attended the Rugby World Cup final, and had a clip posted up to YouTube showing the celebrations (or lack of them) by the boneheads. I followed the link only to find a message saying 'This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Rugby World Cup Limited'. How? Why? What? I half expect to get sued by some Flickr user soon because his foot was in one of my holiday snaps.

World Cup - a full time report

Well, after 7 weeks it's all over, and didn't we do well? 'We', in this instance, is England. I'm English, it's my blog, I set the rules. I think if you offered the runner up spot to any England fan before the tournament started they would have bitten your hand off. It's a pity we couldn't have gone one better and won it, but we were beaten by a stronger team, and although we played well, I thought they always had the better of us.

Was it a try? I've yet to see any evidence proving it was or it wasn't, but in defence of the anti-English officials (joke), you can't give a try unless you are 100% sure.

Would it have made a difference? I doubt it. I always felt like South Africa were the better team and although they defended for a lot of the game, could have turned on the style if they needed to.

The last 20 minutes had an air of inevitability to it and most people in The Carp seemed resigned to defeat entering the last quarter. The only animated character in the pub was Moose, the wee Scotsman. In between telling me that he used to play rugby (but never grew past 5 foot and therefore the only sporting career he could have was as a jockey, but he hates horses), was about the only one shouting 'Come on England'. Ok, he was bazookered, but I'll accept any support our friends from across the borders offer.

What's remarkable is how well England played after their first two games. Hopefully it's a sign of things to come and we can once again be a force to be reckoned with. Also remarkable is how South Africa managed to win the tournament by playing England, Samoa, USA, Tonga, Fiji, Argentina and England. How did they wangle that?! To avoid Australia, New Zealand and France in the tournament is quite amazing.

My moments of the tournament, in ascending order:
- Josh Lewsey's try, and pat on the head vs France in the semi final.
- Wilkinson's drop goal vs France to finish the game off
- The local vicar running up to me, pumping his fists in the air on fulltime of the France game, and shouting 'We're there, you Coventry cunt'.

Happy days.

Depression is...

When you arrive at the station for an hour and a half train journey to find that all the Metros have gone and your iPod battery has gone flat.

That's a big one

I was pushing the brat around Woolworth's yesterday, browsing the toys as you do on a crisp Sunday morn. Then this caught my eye. Now maybe I have a dirty mind, but one thing went through my head when I saw it, and it wasn't fungi.

Lousy sporting week Part (I've lost count)

I've said it before, being a Coventry/England fan doesn't exactly throw up many occasions for delight and happiness. But this last few days really has to be the worst ever! I've said that before as well, but I mean it this time.

Wednesday 17/10/2007
England play Russia in the Euro 2008 qualifiers. A win or draw would have guaranteed us a spot in the finals next year. A loss would mean we have to beat Croatia in our last game and rely on Israel to beat Russia. We were 1-0 but lost 2-1.

Saturday 20/10/2007
Coventry, still in financial turmoil, lose 1-0 at Plymouth.
England lose to South Africa in the World Cup final. We played well, and had a decision go against us that could have gone either way. But we still lost. To a team that played England, Samoa, Tonga, USA, Fiji, Argentina and England to win it. Please not the lack of big names in that list, like Australia, New Zealand and France.

Sunday 21/10/2007
Lewis Hamilton drove in the final GP of the season, needing to basically finish only a couple or three places behind Alonso and Mr Personality Räikkönen to become the first rookie to win the title. He didn't. He bottled it from second place on the grid, and his car got gremlins.

It had to happen

Two posts ago I made mention of people telling me to have a safe journey. A couple of days after the post I had my spill. I was filtering between two lanes of stationery traffic by Twickenham and some nimrod decided to change lanes without indicating, causing me to slam on my front brake and swerve to avoid having my face imprinted on his back window. It was raining, I couldn't keep the bike up and dropped it on the right hand side.

My bike is in a bit of a state, sulking in my backgarden sans a footpeg, front brake lever, back brake pedal and a lot of cuts and bruises to the faring. I am in a better state and only suffered a couple of cracked ribs and some bumps and bruises. My gay helmet survived unfortunately. But now the pain has really begun.

In the panic at the scene of the accident, I forgot to get the guy's registration plate. This has caused a panic with the insurance as I need it. I managed to get hold of him and asked him for his plate number, and he said 'Oh, I didn't think you were going to claim from insurance'. I described the state of my bike to him. He then told me that I hit the back of his car and damaged it and I'd have to pay. I didn't, therefore no damage, and I won't. But as there were no witness details (someone helped me up but was gone by the time I regained my senses. The only other person who was interested hooted at me and waved his arms in the air in anger), I've been told that it's his word against mine and the insurance companies will probably split the bill 50/50, costing me. As my bike is out of order, I've had to go civilian and pay £80 a week on the train. I guess I won't get that money back either. The only people interested in my plight is some solicitor who keeps ringing me asking how I am feeling and urging me to sue the other driver for personal injury liability. I'm far too honest for that. I went to the hospital and got the all clear, so I really don't want to start lying. What a pickle.

Sports report

It was with great joy that I attended my daily 10:15 standup meeting this morning. Not because I enjoy what I do. Nor because I am eager to hear about the next impossible deadline that has been decided by those that won't get caught up in it. It's because out of a team of 8 on my project, 4 of them are Aussies (if you hadn't heard, England beat Australia 12-10 in the Rugby World Cup). Each one had a moan, although none blamed the refereeing, which has become the norm when a southern hemisphere team loses out to one of the northern region. I enjoyed it nearly as much as the game itself. I'm on the 'favour blacklist' from them all now though.

The polar opposite of the great success over the weekend is the dramatic demise of my beloved Coventry City. Nary two weeks ago we had our best result since long before relegation 7 years ago, beating The Scum 2-0 at Old Trafford. A few days later we beat Blackpool 3-1. Announcements from the board suggested that a takeover was imminent and our £38 000 000 debt will be wiped out, giving Ian Dowie funds to strengthen the squad when the transfer window opens in the new year. On Saturday we were beaten 1-0 by Wolves, with the last kick of the game. This is a day after that the Managing Director resigned, stating that all of the 5 takeover bids have collapsed, and it is looking likely that the club will be heading for administration.

So when you average it out, it was a pretty crappy sporting weekend.

Odd bit of advice

I have sired a pretty crap organic alarm clock. My son wakes me up at approximately 2 hour intervals during the night. Last night it was 0:00, 2:00, 4:00, but he forgot to wake me up at 6:00 when I should be waking up. When I finally opened my eyes at 6:26, he was pushing out the z's, no doubt to get his strength back for his next batch of choking/crying/yelling/crawling in the wee hours.

Therefore this morning, I was in a mad scramble to get out the house. I like to leave early, not because I am a committed employee, but simply to miss the traffic and get a decent parking spot in London. As I was frantically gathering my various clothing, safety gear and gadgets (in the panic I forgot my cellphone) the wife told me to 'take it easy on the roads'. I explained that because I was leaving late, the journey would be a nightmare and I would have to take a lot more risks than normal. She then said 'well it's not worth dying over'. What sort of comment is that?! I know it's not worth dying over. I wondered, in her opinion, what would be worth dying over?

I was having a conversation about commuting by motorcycle with a client recently. He seemed to think I was something of a superhero for having the guts to do it. I explained that I was not, just a fat bloke with no supernatural gifts that got bored with public transport. After the conversation he said 'I hope you have a safe journey home. Be careful'. Yeah, I do to mate. I know it's an off-the-cuff comment, but when someone says something like that, it really does make me think that what I do every day is pretty dangerous and it's only a matter of time before my bike ends rubber side up.

Thanks wife/client. I'll be sure to ride really eratically with complete disregard for safety unless otherwise instructed

Oh dear Brit'ny

I saw on the front page of one of the red tops yesterday that a Britney sex tape has emerged. What is it with these celebtities on their way out and sex tapes, is it some sort of career move? How stupid are these people? Firstly they film themselves having rather dull and unimaginative sex with their latest squeeze, write 'XXX having it off with XXX' on the sticky label, leave it on the mantelpiece and wait to be burgled or their disgruntled ex to distribute it. I can think of quite a few that it has happened to off the top of my head; Pam, Pari Stilton, Katie Price, that Welsh bit of blurt from Big Brother, Pam again, Tonya Harding (just the thought of that one make me want to lose my breakfast), Abi Titmus, Ulrika Jonsson. I mean, it's one thing for aspiring young actors to have appeared in a dodgy film on their way up, it's quite another to have your personal life recorded for the world to see (and with the power of the internet, trust me, the world will see). It just adds to my theory that the world is full of imbeciles.

Spotted in France

I love spotting rude words when abroad. I found this bottle of plonk whilst holidaying in France. It's brilliant.

In the news

The McCann's are reported to have hired a psychic to find their missing daughter. I think it is dispicable that some con artist would take money from these poor, desperate people. If he/she finds her, I will retract this statement, but I fear I won't have to.

Palaeontologists say they have found evidence of a duck-billed dinosaur that had a huge bite.

Palaeontologists say they have found evidence that the saber-toothed cat had a weak bite.

The other other other new other Diana/Dodi inquest has started and will take up to 6 months. If they were murdered, it would have to be the most elaborate murder plot known to man. Even script writers for Dallas wouldn't go there. A complete waste of public money. They died in an accident, it happens. Deal with it. If evidence comes to light that they were in fact murdered, I will retract this statement, but ...

Petrol tax has gone up by 2p per litre, and therefore the price at the pumps has gone up by 2p per litre. Obviously the best way to reduce global warming is to tax the overtaxed public even more, that will really help. How about offering incentives to the public, like removing/reducing car/petrol tax on smaller vehicles. I've news for you Mr Brown; guys who drive Hummers couldn't care less how much tax you put on petrol. Conversely, guys who drive 1 litre Corsa's actually do. I expect a price rise in public transport to follow quite soon.

1000 British troops will be returning from Iraq before Xmas. I smell a snap election coming up.