VH2 is in Flux?

WTF has happened to VH2? There are (were) only 3 decent channels to watch on MTV (music tv, not the brand MTV you understand), MTV2, VH1 Classic* and VH2. Now VH2 no longer has indie or guitar based rock, it's polluted with this 'urban' shit, like every other of the 900 music channels. Urban, R & B, funk and all derivatives thereof are shite, give me some guitar and drums**

*if you are into Kate Bush and Duran²

** played by a human being, preferably with tattoos

Subititles

I must be some sort of weirdo as, if available, will always turn on the subtitles on a DVD or tele. Except for the news and other live(ish) programmes, I do require some sort of synchronicity. I loved Ceefax and Tetetext with the magic 888 code. Now with Sky, I can get the same effect by using the Help button. Bliss, never miss a word of the script. It's been a dark secret for many years, until I saw this article http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4862652.stm. What I thought was a strange quirk reserved for me and deaf people (and perhaps people whose speaker had gone on the tele) is untrue.

The good old days of toilet paper on your face

I recall a time, not too long ago, when you had to take a razor blade out of a little paper wrapper, cut your fingers trying to jam it into your 5 year old shaver caked in soap and hair, then rip your mush to shreds. These blades generally lasted about 2 shaves before they became as blunt as spoon.

Then the good people at Gillette (there were others, I've always been a G man) introduced a blade that came in a little plastic holder thing that you just clipped onto the shaver bit. Space aged technology. This was only bettered when they brought out a razor that had 2, I repeat, 2 blades - one to lift, then one to cut. Shaving bliss. Not long after, to compliment the dual blade genius, they stuck a little strip of glue type substance on the plastic blade holder, for a smoother shave.

It didn't stop there good people, along came the Mach 3 with, you've guessed it, 3 blades. One to lift, one to cut and I guess one to sit around and see if it was needed. Now 3 blades is a lot more than I could have dreamed, but out came the Quatro, which a mind boggling 4 blades.

I was watching the tele on Saturday (subtitles on) and saw an advert for a new razor, called Fusion which has five blades, and just when you thought it couldn't get any better, five blades with a bonus one of the back to get rid of that little curly bastard under your nose that was impossible to get with normal razors.

I don't know where or when it is going to stop. I reckon next they will give you a box of blades and you can select how many you want - you just have to buy different size heads. I hope so or else we are going to have a razor about 3 foot long if it keeps going like this.

I thought perhaps they should just invest some money into producing a single blade razor that stayed sharper for longer.

Intro to Sky movies

Man this is really pissing me off. It seems that for many movies on Sky, they have some B-list celebrity introducing it. Not in the old Alex Cox way, telling you a little about the film, but telling you about their personal experiences, the first time they saw the film, the pleasure it gave them blah blah. Listen Jupitus, that fat Iranian 'comedian' and more importantly, BSkyB, I really don't give a flying fiddle about your goddamn opinions, let me watch the film in peace.

Pluto demoted

I've just read on the BBC website that the 9th planet, Pluto, has been stripped of it's planet status. Gutted. Now the line I learnt at school to remember the planets in order from the sun is no longer valid.

My Very Engergetic Monkey Jumped Straight Up Neptune's ..... just doesn't seem right anymore

Lyric of the day

From Half Man Half Biscuit 'Girlfriend's Finished With Him'

Inspired by no-one, other groups bore us
How can you say we sound like Frazier Chorus?

Gameshow Japanese style

Forget Blankety Blank, this is what I call a gameshow.

Travel horrors

I had great fun yesterday. On the way in there were queues from Twickenham all the way to Richmond. I managed to do some death defying manoeuvres to get to the front only to find that the A316 had been closed off by the police. I've never been any other route before so had an interesting half hour trying to find another way into London, but ended up back on the road that the police had blocked. There had been an accident between a car and a motorbike and I would be surprised if anyone survived the smash, there were vehicle bits everywhere. I managed to find another way and ended up getting to the office an hour later than normal. Couldn't stop thinking of the accident all day though, makes you wonder if motorcycling in is actually worth it.

On my way home the traffic was backed up all the way to the Chiswick Bridge. I struggled through to Twickenham, making friends with a few wing mirrors along the way. Reason for the hold up was an 'event' at Twickenham, and the road warning signs helpfully advised us that 'Queues are possible'. The event was 4 geriatrics that should have given up years ago, mincing about on a stage making noise (ie, the Rolling Stones). No wonder there were delays, and thanks for the concert organisers for doing it at peak hour on a weekday, great planning that. Bugger the poor sods that have had a hard day at work and want to get home to their wife and kids. (Still, at least it wasn't another accident). Maybe I am just bitter because I really don't like the Stones, I think they should call it a day. I saw them live in South Africa once. Flew from Durban to Joburg for the concert and it really was shite. Worsened because there was a fella behind me Woo wooing a lot, and they let Keith Richards sing 3 songs. I just wanted to slap Jagger, not sure why people think his strutting peacock act is 'sexy', he looked more like a drunk uncle at a wedding.

I'm happy to report that there were no delays this morning (other than getting out of bed) and there are no events at Twickenham tonight. Grump over.

Hereford 3 Coventry 1

Operation Premiership? Operation Nationwide Conference more like

England v Pakistan 4th test farce

England won the match and therefore the series 3-0, result! However, it wasn't that simple. We were getting spanked, from the first session on the first day and looked more than likely to lose the match. Just before tea on the 4th day, the umpires called Pakistan for ball tampering, resulting in a change of ball and 5 runs to England, as per the rules. Bit of verbals in the middle but everything seemed to settle down. They went off for an early tea because of bad light. The umpires came back after tea, and should have been followed by the fielding team (Pakistan) then the batsmen. But Pakistan didn't show. The umpires waited in the middle for 20 minutes and still no sign of Pakistan. They went off and (apparently) went to the Pakistan dressing room to find out what was going on. Some sort of protest obviously. The umpires gave them an ultimatum, return to the middle or forfeit the match. The umpires returned to the middle, as did the England batsmen, but still no sign of the Pakistanis. The umpires then removed the bails, to indicate the end of the match, and they all left the field. Then the Pakistanis decided to show up. But would appear that it was too late as the umpires had declared the match to be over, due to a Pakistan forfeit. All this is within the rules. Lots of confusion, lots of blaming, lots of speculation. Who said cricket was boring! This is, according to the BBC, the first time in 129 years that a match has been forfeited.

Now, my turn for a rant! Everyone is blaming everyone on this one. The blame surely lies with Pakistan. The umpires made a decision (regarding the ball tampering) and effectively called Pakistan cheats. Now that is a pretty emotive subject, but as the umpires are in charge of the match in the middle, their decision is unfortunately what matters. If Pakistan were upset by the decision, as they clearly (and due to lack of evidence) correctly were, they should have lodged a complaint with the match referee instead of acting like spoilt children refusing to come out of their bedroom. They had make their point by refusing to come out and then were given 2 chances to resume the match, and failed to do so. They were given an ultimatum, and yet still failed to appear. Whether the ball was tampered with or not is not an issue. In every game there are contentious decisions made by the umpire and you have to accept them and get on with the game like professionals and, more importantly, like sportsmen. Pakistan failed to do that. They must understand that the ICB and match officials can't accept what they did as it would set a precedent. What if there was a contentious LBW decision and the batting captain called off his players until the decision was reversed. It would never happen would it? It's the same thing. It's not for the umpires to justify their decision whether it is right or wrong, what they say goes. Further, it's not the first time Pakistan have been involved in a ball tampering incident so it's not outside the realms of possibility that it may have happened. And why on earth would the umpires call it if they didn't see something? Grow up Pakistan.

From cricinfo

Coventry 0 Leicester 0

Not a great game on Friday night, although we looked like we could score a few times - but then again, so did Leicester. Life ain't going to be easy without McSheffrey.

Anyway, kick off at 19h45, we got to the battle cruiser at about quarter past. The tele wasn't on and the jukbox was playing. I asked the landlord if he wouldn't mind putting the tele on in the corner so we could watch the match. Of course he could. Then he said 'Do you want to watch it on the big screen instead?' Nice one. He then turned off the jukebox, pulled down the big screen and turned the commentary up. At the end of the game, he came over and asked if we had finished watching and could he turn the music back on. What a place, no wonder I buy the bar staff drinks.

Piss take

I was in the emergency ward of the local hospital a little while ago. I had been there for about 4 hours and drunk a lot of tea. I called a nurse and asked her where the toilet was.

She said 'What bed are you in?'
'I have no idea'
'Well we need to know that to write it on your urine sample'
'I am not giving a urine sample, I just need a piss'.

Funny things you see

On the way back from Guildford I passed a pub that had a sign outside 'Hand made food'. I've heard of home-made food, but hand made? Then I passed a shop called 'The Karoake Superstore'.

Irony/more drought and flood ranting

I have to admit that I do use the word 'ironic' a lot but have never quite understood what it means. Been to dictionary.com, people have explained it to me, but I am no closer to understanding the meaning. I'm with Alanis on this one, to have 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife is, as I understand it, ironic.

On Friday evening as I was walking to where my bike was parked, it began to rain. Not a light shower or drizzle, sheet rain, big drops. I was soaked before I even got the keys in the ignition. 10 minutes into the journey and huge puddles were appearing everywhere. Even Michael Schumacher would have said 'You haf got to be kidding, I'm not driving in dis schitt'. But being a seasoned pro, desperate to get home and actually rather liking a bit of rain I proceeded undeterred. By the time I pulled up behind some traffic at Hammersmith Flyover, I was soaked to the skin. My Dainese waterproofs had given up for the weekend and my bike hard started to disolve. I looked to my left and there was a billboard advert from the Office of the Mayor of London: 'Use a bucket and a sponge to wash your car and save £1000. Let's beat the drought together'.

I was in Guildford yesterday doing a 'I'll be nice to the wife and maybe she'll let me off the leash so I can have a few jars this afternoon' shopping trip. There were a load of police in the streets and they were handing out bags full of information on how to secure your home and property and a marker pen that only shows up under an ultraviolet light. I was sitting on a bench ouside a shop the missus had been in for, I shit you not, 50 minutes. An elderley man was sitting next to me when my phone rang. I stood up and paced about a bit, as you do when talking on a mobile phone. I finished my call and turned round to find that the man had dissapeared, along with my bag full of security information given to me by the police.

Is that ironic?

Sing, sing a saaaang

Why do we always sing in an American accent?

Notable exceptions:
Artic Monkeys
Paul Weller*
GLC
Ivor Biggun

* when in The Jam

Lyric of the day (so far)

From Nick Cave's O'Malley's Bar
Well Jerry Bellows, he hugged his stool
Closed his eyes and shrugged and laughed
And with an ashtray as big as a fucking really big brick
I split his head in half

4th test

England bowled out for 173, Pakistan currently 198/2.

Pure poetry from the BBC:
1137: Hoggard can't quite match Mahmood's accuracy - a no ball and eight runs off the bat ease the early pressure. Big grey clouds loom over the OCS Stand. If I were searching for a lazy metaphor I'd call them gunmetal grey, but since I've never seen a real gun in real life I'd be guilty of guesswork.

Drought vs flood, you decide

There is a hosepipe ban in southern England at the moment because we are officially having a drought. Hmm, this must be the same drought that delayed me for 2 hours getting home the other night because Richmond Bridge was closed due to flooding. Now unless otherwise specificied, I assume 'flooding' refers to lots of water. Or perhaps it's the same drought that nearly drowned me on the way in this morning and is going to keep my feet and clothes wet for the rest of the day. This must be the only country in the world where we can have floods and droughts at the same time. I suspect the drought alert or whatever they call it will be lifted in a couple of months, just after the quota of sheep washed away and villages flooded is reached.

London is a great place when it rains, it makes the dull, grey, uninpsired architecture look duller, greyer and uninspireder. Because of the amount diesel dumped by lorries, taxis and buses, the tarmac takes on a sheen that's akin to that weird paintjob you find on cars like the TVR. It's like someone has carefully smeared the road with a thin layer of vaseline overnight. Maybe it's a huge team of council workers decked in fluorescent yellow coats earning £40k a year to complete such a job. Manhole covers are another trap. I'm not sure when they were last checked, but most of them are as smooth as the mirror on the Hubble. My particualr favourite though, are all the white lines and road markings, which give you the same feeling as being on a skidpan. I reckon the ratio between black tarmac and white markings must be about 60:40 now. I don't know whether to ride on the road or read it sometimes.

Banks

I have just had a very entertaining call to my bank. I noticed yesterday that I had been charged for an unpaid direct debit, £35 for the pleasure. Now I have to confess that my account is normally in a state of disrepair and I single handedly contribute half of their annual profits in unpaid bill fees. But checking back through my statement I saw that Direct Debit #14 was in fact paid and my account had enough money in it to complete the transaction legally. So I give them a call to query it. After the usual 'How can we help you on this fine day' and 'So nice to speak you again...' nonsense that only call centres in Calcutta know how to do, we got down to business.
'The reason for the charge was that the bill was unpaid in July'.
'Er, no, looking at my statement, that payment went through'.
'It's because that bill wasn't paid on the 14th of June'.
'Let me check... nope, it went through in June as well, on the 26th. Nothing went out on the 14th'.
'Yes, but it was unpaid in May'.
'...just going to that page now... it was paid in May as well. Do you have my account in front of you or are you making this up'.
'Ok Mr SkyBlueSnowy, as a goodwill gesture, we will refund the charge to your account'.

A 'goodwill gesture'??? You mean you ballsed up, please use the correct terminology. Then I got hit with
'It's important that you keep an eye on your balance, either at an ATM or on your online account. After all, (and I quote) money is as money does (????)'.

Yes, thank you, next time I want to hear a misquote from Forrest Gump I'll be sure to give you a tinkle.

Lottery update

I didn't win. Back to work.

Lottery

Shit, I'm so involved with this crazy deadline I'm on I haven't checked the lottery results. I could be on a beach in Taihiti instead of stressing about 1 pixel differences between the template and the live page.

Crossed wires

I was drinking in my local pub on Saturday with a couple of friends. After a few rounds, I usually offer to buy the barman/woman a drink. They are a good bunch, always serve me when it's busy and know what we drink so it's a kind of thank you for that really. And because I am a nice guy. There is a new girl working there and, being well into my journey of inebriation and starting to feel really happy, ordered the 3 pints of Fosters required by my friends and I. As she was serving I enquired 'Can I buy you a drink?' She said 'Ok, I finish my shift at 5:30, do you want to stay here or shall we go somewhere else'. I shat myself and spent the next 5 minutes trying to sort out the confusion. She got her drink in the end and I got out of what could have been an awkward situtation. I won't be offering to buy any barstaff a drink in future.

Cardiff 1 Coventry 0

Nothing to say really, just thought I would remind myself that I support a shit team.

In dreams

Luckilly when I was at school, I had an older brother who was in the 'in crowd' so I was kind of immune to the normal seniors v juniors bullying. There was this one guy who, although never bullied me, used to pick on a lot of my friends. I haven't thought of this man for what must be 20 years now, but last night I dreamt that I shot him.

Pros and cons and cons and cons of management

I had to sack someone for the first time yesterday, and do I feel like shit. He wasn't up to the job and I admit it was a mistake hiring him - he interviewed well but after a couple of days of doing very little, it was obvious he didn't really know what he was doing. There was no way we could keep him on as the deadline is fast approaching and nothing was being done. It wouldn't have been so bad if he had got arsey or violent about it, but he took it really well, thanked me for the chance, said it was nice meeting me etc.

I don't think I am cut out for this management lark. I'm too nice a guy, I think you have to be a bit of a bastard to be a good manager. You certainly can't take, or give, anything personally when it comes to work. A wiser man than me (that narrows it down a bit!) said 'There is no sentiment in business'. I think I would like a job where I work with trees or something.

Not happy, but that's what I get paid for.

Walkers

On the way in this morning, I pulled up at some traffic lights in Kensington and there was a middle-aged man, decked in white tracksuit bottoms and a pink top. He was stretching his limbs like a rugby player would who is about to come on. When the lights turned green, he wandered slowly across the road and down the street. I was hoping he would break into a trot at some point, but he just kept ambling. I wonder why he was warming up so vigorously. Maybe he tired himself out doing it.

I have noticed recently that there are a lot of walkers on the streets of England. Now nothing wrong with a good stroll, I have to admit I often wander through the forests near where I live on a Sunday morning (that is, I walk on Sunday mornings, I don't live near a forest on a Sunday morning). But I have seen loads of women walking in the evenings when I am on my way home. Nothing unusual in this I hear you scream. I agree, but there is a new breed out there and it needs to be stopped. The women I have noticed are dolled up with Olivia Newton-John headbands, athlete's vests, tight lycra shorts and trainers, clasping a small bottle of Evian. They look like they are about to set off on a marathon, but they just walk. I really want to stop and question these women. I want to advise them that if they jogged for a tenth of the distance they walked, they would lose more weight. It's like at the gym, you queue up for 20 minutes for a treadmill, and the person in front of you gets on, and walks at a leisurely pace for 10 minutes. Someone explain this to me.

Joggers make me chuckle as well. Good on them, raising a sweat, keeping fit, giving me something to look at whilst I prowl the streets in my 2 litre CRV. What makes me laugh is when they are at a red light waiting to cross, and they jog on the spot. What's all that about? Again, I would like to pull over and mention to them that the tarmac beneath their feet isn't actually moving, so there really is no need to keep the legs going.

Just a jealous rant from a fat bloke.

Cricket result

Well you could knock me down with a feather, England managed to win. They got 345 in their second innings (Strauss with 116 and Read with 55). Looked like the final day was going to tail off into a boring draw, but we managed to bowl Pakistan out for 155. Mahmood and Panisar were the pick of the bowlers, getting 7 wickets between them. Panisar got the wickets of Yousef Khan and Imzaman, which is no mean feat.

Phones4U apology

I had dinner with a mate on Saturday night and gave him a verbal account of the post below regarding my run in with Phones4U. He yawned twice before I was halfway through and then interupted me and changed the subject completely. I believe that this is an incredibly boring subject and I am really sorry now that I spent 2 hours typing it up. If anyone did manage to read it, I apologise for wasting part of your precious life.

True Romance

I watched True Romance for the first time in years this weekend. This was one of my favourite films, and I think contains three of my favourite scenes of all time;
- Slater and Oldman in Drexl's apartment
- Walken and Hopper in Mr Worley's caravan
- Gandolfini and Arquette in the Safari Inn motel room.

I noticed a couple of things. Firstly, the DVD says 'True Romance, the Director's Cut' but I saw no difference between the DVD, the video I used to own, the cinema version nor the version that I've seen on tele a few times. It should have said 'True Romance, the One and Only Cut'. So that was dissapointing.

Secondly I noticed that Slater's character, Clarence, was in fact not cool, but a bit of a bastard. He gets hitched, then on his honeymoon forces his wife to reveal her previous address so he can have it out with Drexl. Now, this guy is a pimp, drug dealer, murderer and generally a bad mofo that you wouldn't invite around to have tea with your mum. The odds on Clarence surviving this confab were about as slim as a mayfly making it to day two. So he gets married, then risks murderlation on his honeymoon. The impossible happens then he comes home and starts yelling at his wife. What a knob.

After that, he forces his dad (who he hasn't seen in 3 years) to find out if he is in trouble with the police. His dad, feeling guilty, does this but as a result gets knocked off by a gangster. Undeterred, Clarence then heads out to Hollywood to get his actor friend to arrange a drug deal, invloving his childhood mate to get all illegal like. Then because of his involvement in drugs, his wife gets her tits kicked off and is forced to kill a gangster.Everyone gets shot, and his mate scarpers the scene, probably damaged for life and not far off Bin Laden on the FBI's most wanted list. It ends up with Alabama and Clarence having a romantic time on a beach. Forget all the carnage he has caused, so long as he is happy, then so be it.

I don't like him anymore

Gay Bikers (with or without acid)

I saw this on Friday and couldn't resist taking a picture. This has to be the gayest thing I have ever seen. I just hope to God that this scooter belongs to a woman. If not this "man" needs his license revoked and the street needs to be disinfected. It's only one step away from this, and then life as we know it really would be over.

HMHB lyric of the day

...from 'For What is Chatteris'

Car crime's low, the gun crime lower
The Town Hall Band CD - it's a grower
You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce
Although there was a drive-by shouting once

3rd test v Pakistan/football

Started off well with England posting 515 (Pietersen 135 and Bell 119) but Pakistan bettered that with 538 (Younis Khan 173 and Mohammed Yousef 192). Currently at close of play on the 3rd day England are 3/0. Looks like a draw this one, especially if the weather in Leeds is anything like it is in London.

The Championship season got under way this weekend. Coventry were playing Sunderland and managed a 2-1 home win with goals from Stern John and Gary McSheffrey.

That's the sport, here's Tom with the weather.

England v Pakistan

It's the third test today, although the weather looks a little grim. I noticed that I didn't jot down the result of the second test, so here goes:

Pakistan 1st innings: 119
England 1st (and only) innings: 461
Pakistan 2nd innings: 222

England won by an innings and 120 runs.

Some great performances for us, with the bat:
Alastair Cook with 127
Ian Bell with 106

and with the ball:
Harmison 6/19 and 5/57 (match figures of 11/76)
Panesar 3/21 and 5/72 (match figures of 8/93)

Excellent stuff.

Quiz night, the result

Well we didn't win. Didn't come close actually. I was pretty useless, and, although outnumbered 4-1 insisted that the maximum score you could get in bowling was 330. I would have put my mortgage on it. Everyone else said 300 but I made them put 330. Of course the maximum score in bowling is 300. I am a gibbon. I don't feel too bad because I was outvoted by 4-1 again that Stella Artois is a French beer, when I know damn well it's from Belgium. But they stood their ground on that one.

There was a lot of angst again last night, people just don't know how to enjoy themselves and I find everyone so competitive. Two members of my team were getting very annoying, shouting and arguing. Little children, play nicely.

Worst still, the company didn't put on any free food, goddamn cheapskates. I don't think I will go next year, I can't handle the pressure and humiliation!

No doubt today there will be a lot of email banter going on. I am generally an agreeable chap, a graceful loser and (more importantly I think) a graceful winner. Unfortunately this is viewed as a weakness by a lot of people and I tend to get the brunt of the piss takes. I might change tact today and get all agressive and sulky, that'll learn 'em!

Quiz night

Tonight is our 3rd annual quiz night, and as reigning champions for the last two years my team is under a lot of pressure. I must say I was particularly brilliant last year, although everyone thought I cheated because I just happen to know the ten ways of getting out in cricket. I can't believe how competitive everyone got, there was a real real edginess in the air, and when we won, a lot of mardiness. It actually got quite unpleasant, not in a violent way, just bad moods and grumps. People I consider friends in the office were clearly upset and accused me of cheating. Shit guys, I'm an anorak, I really do know the rules of cricket! Why on earth would I want to cheat at an Office Quiz Night, I have a lot more important things to be dishonest about. I wonder why grown ups get so funny like that? I actually considered not going this year because I really hate it when adults act like children, then I thought 'Bugger 'em, wind them up and watch them go'. No doubt if we lose there will be a queue of people at my desk tomorrow morning. If we win then I'm sure there will be dischord in the ranks. It does make me laugh. I only go because of the free beer and food.

Random post of the day (4)

I have just been up to reception and they have a lovely floral arrangement there. It makes the room smell like piss.

Random post of the day (3)

There's a tunnel I travel under every day on the way into London, it's just by Hyde Park Corner. It's a lovely piece of tarmac, a straight downhill bit, followed by a long sweeping right and then left back up the dip to road level. I often imagine myself in Alpine Stars apparel tucked in behind Rossi, and then pipping him to the line at the top. Anyway, for some reason I always sing Balaam And The Angel's 'Slow Down' when approaching it. I put this down to my subconscious telling me to decrease velocity and stop riding like a knob. After 18 months of doing this, I noticed this morning that on the bridge above the tunnel is a neon sign saying 'SLOW DOWN'.

Graphical representation found here.

Random post of the day (2) - lyrics

This one made me laugh out loud. Honestly, not your average LOL on MSN, it really did. From Half Man Half Biscuit's 'Upon Westminster Bridge':

Help me Mrs Medlicotte I don't know what to do
I only have 3 bullets and there's 4 in Motley Crue

Random post of the day (1)

It's my wife's fault. She's pregnant you see, and although, thankfully, she hasn't had any strange cravings like peanut butter & sardine sandwiches or coal & lemon wedges, she absolutely cannot stand the smell of perfume or deodrant. This has kind of upset my rhythm. I arise at about 5:45 am where autopilot kicks in. I shower, brush teeth in shower (makes less mess and prolongs that shower feeling) and once dried, apply a long spray of Lynx under each armpit and (as taught to me as a yoof, but for reasons still unknown) on my chest. I'm not allowed to do this anymore as the smell makes her feel nauseous. I have a can in the downstairs bathroom and tried it there, but she could still smell it. So I have to do it outside. But can I remember to do it? I'll be buggered if I can. Not literally. Today is the third day in a row that I have forgotten and judging by the pong eminating from me on the last two days, I suspect the same will happen. My work colleagues are defintely going to have something to say behind my back if this continues. In the unlikely event that someone is reading this and knows where I sit, I can only apologise and ask you to sign the petition to allow me to shower and spray as before.

Does beer make you fat?

Obvious really, of course it does. So says everyone, don't be so silly. I've been having this battle with my mum (battle of wits, not land invasions, rocket attacks, claymores clashing and the like). See, she's really healthy. She eats properly, goes to the gym every day, takes long walks on the beach on weekends, and I look like Hurly from Lost. The reason why I am overweight, so she tells me, is because I'm a bit of a lager fiend. I cannot deny this, everyone knows that beer is fattening and I have never questioned it. But then I did. Thinking about it, I wondered how something with no fat in it can make you fat. Kebabs, chocolate, mayonnaise etc, yeah, they all have a huge fat content so of course they make you fat.

I decided to have a sniff around to satisfy my curiousity. If beer, with no fat, can make you fat, then I'd love to know how it works.

I did some Google action - 'Does beer make you fat' - and was quite surprised at the response. Only a couple of results made this claim, but reading further, neither of these actually supported their claim. They were more or less like 'Beer makes you fat, stop drinking beer as it's bad for you and you will be fat if you drink beer. Fatty'. I asked a friend of mine who is a nurse and she said the same thing. When I asked her WHY it makes you fat, she couldn't answer and just gave me the usual 'because of the calories, the sugar content, sugar turns to fat' answer.

Here's my theory;

Beer doesn't make you fat. Fat makes you fat. Beer does contain a lot of sugar, sugar = calories. A calorie is a unit of measurement for energy. The body needs to burn off energy (calories) before it can burn off fat. Therefore if you drink 10 pints of lager, and then ate a burger, your body would have to burn off the calories of the beer, before it got to the task of burning off the physical fat contained in the burger. Unless your body has a metabolism the speed of a Ferrari, this is unlikely to happen, resulting in the fat from the burger being absorbed by the system and turned into body fat. Now if you drank your 10 pints, and didn't have a burger, your body would go about the task of slowly burning off the calories. If you ate no fat for the duration of the time that your body takes to burn off the calories, you would not put on one milligram of fat. The proof I have for this bold theory is that I have never seen a fat alcoholic.

I am not a medical man and am willing to be told the error of my ways. If there is anyone out there that can prove that beer makes you fat, I will gladly listen. Until then, cheers.

Last.fm again

I have just listened to my 30,000th song since joining last.fm, or audioscrobbler as it was once called. The track was 'Chinese Handcuffs' by The New Year, and I suspect I shall never listen to it again.

30,000 tracks, say on average 4 minutes a song, that's 120,000 minutes, 2000 hours, 83 1/3 solid days of music. I wonder how many of them I actually enjoyed listening to?

Roll on 60,000.