Ouch

For all you Mac fans out there, this is going to hurt! I suspect this link will have a very short lifespan.

Greenpeace

Missed opportunities

I had a particularly gruelling week at work last week and on Friday night I really wanted to inflict pain on someone. When I returned to my bike, I found some nimrod had wedged his scooter between my bike and the one next to me. Now this pisses me off at the best of times, but the mood I was in, this time it really got my hackles up. As I was unlocking my bike and putting my helmet on I was devising ways on how I can make this bastard's life miserable. Shall I let his tyres down? Slash his seat? Move it into the middle of the road, kick it over and set it alight? Then I saw that he had left his keys in the ignition, and there is a drain about 2 feet away. Hmmmmm, choices choices. Unfortunately the Christian in me took over and I didn't do anything (but damn do I regret it now!) Anyway, scooterists are really just human beings, they just have a few issues. I hope this guy appreciates my act of goodwill.

Crap reg plates revisited

I saw another one this morning:
G1 ARY
Now I assume this guy's name is Gary, but it's shit. Now stop it.

Camberley Courier

Don't you just love free local newspapers? Generally they consist of:

• 2 pages of 'news'


• 4 pages of local sport which no-one apart from the sportsmen invloved are interested in (under 14 netball just doesn't really flick my switch)


• 5 pages of 'personals' 'I am a mature (over 55) lady with GSH (finds Little and Large the zenith of humour) with own house (council funded) looking to meet like minded male for nights out (a good hard shag)


• 10 pages of Council news informing us that they are going to rip up the High street and leave it like that for 3 years


• 45 pages of advertising (some kid trying to palm off his Commodore 64;
  that black and white cat has had another litter and the scumbag owner is charging 30 notes for one of the kittens;
  pram for sale, only used once, slight smell of urine and vomit etc)

Anyway, you can imagine my delight when I saw this headline in my local rag. Quality journalism, I'm surprised the BBC World Service never picked this one up!

Skysports news

Interesting choice of words.

Plaster etiquette*

What is the safe time to remove a plaster from a cut? The first thing I do if I cut myself (after the string of expletives) is to rush to the bathroom cabinet and apply a plaster. Normally they are pink or have pictures of Bart Simpson on them because men never, ever buy plasters. It's definitely a woman thing. So, plaster applied, sulk over, you can get on with life. All is good for a couple of days, you replace the plaster when it gets wet or frayed edges and every thing is peachy. Trouble with plasters is that they don't heal the injury, they just kind of keep it moist and after a while it starts to ferment. Plasters are the greenhouses of the medical world. I'm no doctor, but through experience, leaving the wound open allows it to heal quicker, but then you have that awful decision to make - when should I remove the damn plaster. You don't want to leave it on too long because the gash will never heal, but you don't want to take it off too soon because within seconds you'll catch the injury on a doorhandle or something and end up in the same situation. Decisons decisions. I wish they had instructions on the box 'Apply directly to wound. Remove after 2 days. Expect pain for a while'.

It's a similar dilema to getting pins and needles in your leg. You know you have to move it around a bit to get the blood flowing again, but from past experience you know you are about to enter a world of pain.

Perfect timing is essential for a safe recovery.

* Where do I get this shit from?

Ipswich 2 Coventry 1

Our winning streak of 2 comes to an end. Twats.

Sliced bread

We've just received an email from a client thanking us for the work we've done as it's 'the best thing since life spread'. I'm too scared to ask her if she meant 'best thing since sliced bread'. Or maybe I've been saying it wrong all these years.

Either way, I wonder what the best thing before sliced bread/life spread was?

Spam spam spam spam

If you ever receive an email that starts off with 'This is an actual extract from...' or 'This actually happened to a friend of mine...' (or in fact any email that has the words 'actual' or 'actually' in the first sentence) treat with extreme caution. There is a strong possibility that you will receive the same email 15 times over the next three weeks, but will be disguised ie. 'This is an actual posting on...', 'This is actually taken from CNN...' etc etc.

Another good indication that the email will be a load of pigs trotters will be from the sender. Does this person send you 50 cartoons a day that aren't in the slightest bit humourous? Does this person send you chain letters , usually stating 'I don't normally send these, but...'? Does this person reply to all your emails with 'LOL'?

You have been warned.

Here's your sign

In the spirit of Bill Engvall, here's a few of my own.

1- I was making soup and after emptying the 8th can of peeled plum tomatoes into the pot, my nearest and dearest asked 'Why are you putting so many tomatoes in it?' 'Because it's leek soup'. Here's your sign

2- I was watching US Football with someone who shall remain nameless, but is my one and only sibling. He asked 'How many quarters are there?' '18'. Here's your sign.

3- I have the Coventry badge tattooed on my upper arm. A guy at work saw it and asked 'Do you support Coventry?' 'No, I'm a Tottenham fan.' Here's your sign.

Coventry 3 Norwich 0

The lads push the boundaries and take our winning streak to 2 games - I think this is a Coventry record. Goals by Birchall, Kyle and John. Up to the dizzying heights of 8th in the league, 3 points off the top (and more importantly, 4 points off the bottom).

September the 11th

I'm not going to bang on about it, I'll reserve that for others, but let's not forget the events of a few years ago. I hope nothing bad happens today.

Observations/random bollocks

- There is nothing more depressing than taking the last few steps back to your desk after a fag break.
- On it's release in 1988, I bought Dinosaur Jr 'Freak Scene' cd single. I was gutted that the titular song was censored ('Don't let me freak now will ya' just didn't have the same appeal). Printed on the cd is
1 - Freak Scene (uncensored version). For 18 years I have been considering sueing the record company. It was only yesterday when clearing up my cds that I noticed that it actually says Freak Scene (censored version)
- There is a hairdressers opposite where I park my bike called The Ionic Hair Product Company, until this morning I thought it was The Ironic Hair Product Company.
- I bought one of those slidey vegetable cutter things where you stick your onion on a grippy thing and slide it up and down a tray with a blade on it and slices and dices your veg into even size pieces. The blade is very sharp and I managed to lop off the top of my finger. Now mundane tasks such as washing up, tying shoelaces and picking my nose are incredibly painful.
- A blunt lawn mower blade cannot be sharpened, no matter how many gadgets you buy to achieve this.
- You never see anyone taking a cat for a walk.

Things I've learnt this week

1 - There are as many as 5 planes queueing in the sky at once for a single runway at Heathrow.
2 - Screenwash stings the eyes a bit. When it is applied to the eyeball at around 70mph, the discomfort is intensified somewhat.
3 - If the person responsible for a project going tits up is of middle to senior management status, he/she will not be held responsible. The blame will be transferred onto someone less senior.
4 - When asked the question 'Where do you want XXXX XXXXXXX to put the image' via email, replying 'XXXX XXXXXXX can stick it up his arse' is only funny when XXXX XXXXXXX is not CC'ed on the email, and is not a client.
5 - Management tend not to have sense of humour about situations like item 4 above.

Thought for the day (today's)

Work sucks

Pavement art

I wandered about the back streets of Camberley whilst killing some time waiting for my duck curry and egg fried rice to be cartoned t'other night, and came across this work of art. Seems that the council have gone all green and laid out some cycle routes on the pavements. Good of them to employ a visually impaired street artist to paint the 'bikes'!

With Goth on our side

Saw this fella in a coffee shop in Guildford yesterday (apologies for the poor quality image, I had to do a bit of a stalker thing and couldn't get the lighting right). He was about 30 years old and you have to admire his guts to go out in public like this. I haven't seen someone whear a full length leather coat since I saw The Fields Of The Nephilim at the Coventry Poly. Good work fella! I'm a bit concerned with the boots though, more metal on them than you'd find on a turn-of-the-century printing press. I bet he's a lawyer by week and turns to the dark side on weekends. Kind of funny to find someone like this drinking a skinny latte at 10:30 on a Sunday morning instead of the blood of a virgin, if you can find one in Guildford.

Strewth

Just heard that Steve Irwin, the 'Crocodile Hunter', has been killed by a stingray. Poor sod, but then I suppose most would think that it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. I have recently watched a film called The Grizzly Man which was about a man who loved and lived with grizzly bears and as you would expect, eventually got mauled, killed and eaten by one of the bears he had lived with for 13 summers. It's an incredible film and some of the footage is unbelievable, but you couldn't help thinking that the what happened to Timothy Treadwell was inevitable. To say he was playing with a few cards short of a full deck is a little mild, he was missing a whole suit. You have to admire these guys though and I suppose they both died doing what they loved best. Still, you play with fire, you get burned.

You got to love the webbernet

The internet was created for sites like this:
1500 videos. 1500 80's videos, special!