This sport thing

Coventry have lost 3 in a row conceding 10 goals and scoring 2.

England have not only lost the Ashes, but look like going 4 down with one to play. And making themselves the laughing stock of the cricketing world in the process.

No more sporting posts until you jack up your ideas lads. It's bed with no dinner for you all.

2nd baby post of the day. Kind of

I was doing the daddy thing on Wednesday. I had my son on my lap and was watching tele with him, as you do with 2 day old babies. I was in seventh heaven, until I realised that I was wearing the same clothes I had been in since Sunday night, was drinking a can of Fosters and watching the darts from the Circus Tavern in Purfleet. It was a moment of clarity; I realised I was a true pikey.

The first of no doubt many baby posts

I have a boy, 9 months and it was worth the wait! The wife dismissed my suggestion to call him Elvis, but the name has stuck with my mates and I think the poor sod will be called this by most. Anyway, without getting mushy, I thought I would jot down some observations:
- newborns might sleep for 16 hours a day, but rarely do they sleep for more than about 15 seconds at a time;
- they should have used a baby's scream as an air-raid siren during the war;
- if my baby sleeps too long, I get worried and try and wake him up. If he doesn't sleep, I try and make him sleep. I have a mathematical mind, and this just doesn't add up;
- any trick I find that will make him shut up has a 24 hour life span and will never work again;
- newborns do not talk, nor do they appreciate the finer details of a solid forward defensive stroke;
- zombie films were invented to show new fathers what they will look like the night after their first born arrives home;
- never, ever argue with a woman who has just had a child. You will lose and be subject to a torrent of insults;
- although we were told that labour would be painful, my wife tells me that there isn't a word to describe how painful. 'Very', 'unusually' and 'rather' don't really do it;
- watching your wife in labour is like watching someone being tortured;
- anyone who suggests that labour is a 'wonderful thing' has either never been in labour, witnessed someone in labour, is a sick f*** who masturbates to horror films;
- any preconceived ideas I had about labour or fatherhood have plummeted into the ground like a SCUD;
- nurses are pretty amazing people. Nice outfits to;
- being a dad is kind of cool. I just hope junior becomes a professional golfer.

The death of The Ashes, the birth of something else

Monday 18th of December, 2006, 04:49. Precisely the time I became a father for the first time. 15 minutes later Warne bowled Panesar to win the Ashes. I think the pain of watching my wife in labour for 6 hours was preferable to watching the cricket. In stark contrast to an amazing performance from my wife, the cricket was, again, another inept display. I just hope that we manage to do something a bit special in the last two test matches, and wouldn't it be brilliant if we could stop Warne getting his 700th test wicket. Of course this will not happen. Roll on The Ashes 2008 without Warne and McGrath I say!

2 days before all this, Coventry got beaten 5-0 by West Brom. Thank God for the arrival of my youngster, or else this really would have tipped me over the edge. And you won't like me when I'm slightly miffed.

Noisy mobile phones

I moan about many things, but one that is in my top 3 is people that don't turn off the button sound on their mobile phones. Would you like it if I came up to you and said 'Beep beep beep, beep, beep beep beep beep beep beep. Beep. Beep beep'? No, didn't think so. It grates me even more when it is my mother-in-law, at 5am on a Thursday morning, in my lounge, for approximately an hour. The limit is reached when it is the mother-in-law, at 5am on a Thursday morning, in my lounge, for approximately an hour, when I woke up early to watch the first day of the third test.

Fiery Furnaces

I love the Fiery Furnaces. Can't get enough of them. But 'Rehearsing My Choir' could possibly be the worst album I have ever heard. By anyone.

Australia v England, 3nd test, day 1

Well would you Adam & Eve it? Ponting won the toss and elected to bat first, something that is rarely done at Perth. I suspect this decision was ego based rather than being sensible. Our bowlers took advantage and we managed to bowl them out for 244, with Monty the star of the show becoming the first Englishman to take 5 wickets in an innings at the WACA. Harmison finally got into the series taking 4 himself. Our reply started off well but then we lost Cook and Bell in successive overs to make it a nervy finish (Collingwood got dropped by Warne as well). 51/2 at the close of day 1, I would have taken that at 2:30 this morning. Good day's work I say.

The Full Monty

Currently Aus are 237/8, Monty Panesar has just taken his 5th wicket of the innings. i bet Giles feels a bit of a tit.

Google/e-bay partnership

Being a bit web savvy I have learnt to ignore the links on the right hand side of a Google search page (the one's under the 'sponsored links' header). Today I did a search for 'change front brake pads' and a really helpful link appeared on the right hand side:
Change Brake Pads
Find Change Brake Pads!
Buy Change Brake Pads on eBay

I mean, what is the point of this? I did a couple of other (slightly ridiculous) searches and thankfully I didn't get a link 'Find How to get into university with a mouthful of jelly whilst standing on your head on eBay'. But still, just stop it now, it's annoying.

Ferry Mucking Christmas

An early Xmas present for the Aussies

Obscure post of the day

The hi-hat and crash cymbal work on 'Nellie The Elephant' is legendary*. In fact, pretty good drumming throughout.

*Not nearly as good as Peaches 'Fuck the Pain Away' though

Memorable movie quotes

Forget On the Waterfront
'I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum'.

Forget Braveheart
'They may take our wives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!'

Donnie Darko knocks the socks of them all
'Mom said the school is closed today because it's flooded, and there's feces everywhere!
What are feces?
Baby mice.
Aww.'

Things I learnt this weekend

- You can sneeze with your eyes open without your peepers popping out of their sockets. This contradicts something I have always believed.

- Eating curry does not bring about the onset of labour. Especially if it is a Korma.

- Even though I know she was 18 when she made 'Hard Candy', I still feel guilty and ashamed that I thought Ellen Page looked quite foxy.

- If you soak a chicken bone in vinegar it will become flexible enough to tie a knot in it. I'm unsure as to why anyone would want to do this, but it's still pretty damn cool.

Australia v England, 2nd test, day 5

Ah. Well that didn't exactly go to plan. Got bowled out for 129 in the second innings (losing our last 9 wickets for 60 runs) then Aus got the winning runs with 3 overs in the match left and only losing 4 wickets. Pathetic display and no realistic way back now as we are 2-0 down with 3 to play. First the rugby, now the cricket, I think I might change nationality...

Australia v England, 2nd test, days 2,3 and 4

The match has got a draw written all over it. England finished up with 551/9 dec (Collingwood 206 and Pietersen 158 (again)). It's the first time in 20 years that we have put 500 on Australia so not too shabby. It sounds a lot more dramatic than it actually was. PC and KP looked in fine form knocking seven bells out of Warne, McGrath and Lee but once they were out the match moved on in a very slow fashion. Nice to see McGrath get 100 up though, I bet that hasn't happened very often. The inevitable happened after that on days 3 and 4 though, with Aus finally being bowled out for 513 (Hoggard took 7/109 off 42 overs). At the close on day 4 we are 59/1, 97 runs ahead with little chance of a result. Bad news is that Flintoff only bowled 4 overs with a recurrence of his ankle injury, so not looking good although I doubt he will be needed for the rest of this match and then has 2 weeks recovery time. I suspect we will try and bat out the day and make it that their bowlers have had to bowl for 3 days in the test (and hope that a couple of them break down!)

Australia v England, 2nd test, day 1

That could have gone worse! Nice come back from Collingwood and Bell, who took us from 45/2 to 158 before Bell was out for 60. At the close we are 266/3 with Collingwood on 98 and Pietersen on 60. It's great that we have got ourselves into a decent position, and making Australia work for the wickets (although the first 2 were gifts - didn't see the 3rd). Hopefully we can keep them in the field for another 60 or 70 overs tomorrow, post a good score and get them a bit weary. It was almost worth waking up at midnight for.