The first of no doubt many baby posts

I have a boy, 9 months and it was worth the wait! The wife dismissed my suggestion to call him Elvis, but the name has stuck with my mates and I think the poor sod will be called this by most. Anyway, without getting mushy, I thought I would jot down some observations:
- newborns might sleep for 16 hours a day, but rarely do they sleep for more than about 15 seconds at a time;
- they should have used a baby's scream as an air-raid siren during the war;
- if my baby sleeps too long, I get worried and try and wake him up. If he doesn't sleep, I try and make him sleep. I have a mathematical mind, and this just doesn't add up;
- any trick I find that will make him shut up has a 24 hour life span and will never work again;
- newborns do not talk, nor do they appreciate the finer details of a solid forward defensive stroke;
- zombie films were invented to show new fathers what they will look like the night after their first born arrives home;
- never, ever argue with a woman who has just had a child. You will lose and be subject to a torrent of insults;
- although we were told that labour would be painful, my wife tells me that there isn't a word to describe how painful. 'Very', 'unusually' and 'rather' don't really do it;
- watching your wife in labour is like watching someone being tortured;
- anyone who suggests that labour is a 'wonderful thing' has either never been in labour, witnessed someone in labour, is a sick f*** who masturbates to horror films;
- any preconceived ideas I had about labour or fatherhood have plummeted into the ground like a SCUD;
- nurses are pretty amazing people. Nice outfits to;
- being a dad is kind of cool. I just hope junior becomes a professional golfer.