I'm a little pony

One of the things I have noticed about being a (not so) new parent, is that all of a sudden my house is filled with plastic objects that make noises. I can't take two steps without treading on something that sings, neighs, squeaks or beeps at me. A trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night sounds like one of those compilation sound effects CDs you get free with geek magazines. It's also costing me a small fortune in batteries. I reckon we could power a small village with the combined voltage of toy dwelling AA's in my house. Of the singing objects, my favourite is this rocking horse, with very realistic hair and fake leather sadle. It also sings 'I'm a little pony, clippity clop, clippity clop...' which amuses my lad and dad alike.

I've been thinking, who sings these songs that go into kid's toys? I mean, do people make a career out of it? Or does a serious singer fall on hard times? One of the singers really does put Whitney Houston circa 'I Will Always Love You' in the shade, she really belts name that colour, letter, animal out - I have to replace the batteries every 20 minutes if we leave that one on. I'd like to think that some of my offsprings toys have had some input from a star or two. I can imagine Tom Jones getting a call from his agent one day:

'Tom, I know things have been a bit quiet, but I've got you something'
'Excellent Boyo*, what is it, a world tour?'
'Wellllll... not exactly'
'Does Elton want to record that duet he's been talking about since 1972 - you know the one about the windy candle or something?'
'Hmm, I think that is still being recycled. No, this is some studio work, original stuff'
'Oh excellent. Who is the writer? Wonder? Gabriel? McCartney? Or is it someone good?'
'None of those, you might have heard of them. Price. Fischer Price.'
'No, doesn't ring any bells. Hang on a minute!'


* Please pardon my pathetic attempt to inject a bit of Welsh into the post

Things that have been winding me up at work

1- For 3 years I've been working on the same project, I shit thee not. Further, for three years I have been the only front end developer on this project. Last Monday, a contractor showed up and I was told that he would be helping me. Joy of joys. As you can image having spent 3 years on a project, I kind of know it inside out. I spent 2 1/2 days showing this guy where everything was, how to do stuff, how to cheat etc. Once his training was complete, I realised that it was actually a pretty quiet week and told him to just have a play around and get himself familiar with the code. On the Friday I approached him and said that next week will be a lot busier, he told me that he was only on a week contract and wouldn't be here next week. Fucking brilliant.

2- There is only one working gents toilet on the entire floor. Considering there are about 50 males in the office, it's no suprise that the queue to relieve is longer than one at the Twickenham turnstiles ten minutes before kick off.

3- I'm bugfixing at the moment. This requires
- opening the bug tracker program,
- navigating to the website and finding the problem,
- grabbing the code and fixing it,
- uploading the code through the server,
- returning to the bug tracker and updating the status of the bug.

The bugtracker has a ten minute inactivity timeout. The website has a 15 minute timeout. The server console has a random timeout from anywhere between 30 seconds to about 7 minutes. So for every bug I fix, I have to keep logging into each system at least 4 times before anything actually gets done. Oh, and my server is running off my laptop. Our company has a 10 minute auto lock function on computers.

Glad I got that out of the way.

Money bloody Supermarket

I got my new car insurance quote from my existing broker t'other day, and as with the last 4 years, it had gone up again even though I have 5 years no claims bonus. I decided (3 years too late) to try and find a cheaper alternative so visited moneysupermarket.com. I typed in all the relevant info and was presented with a list of quotes that made me smile, I was quoted happy. I read the top two or three and opted for a quote that suited my needs, and halved my present insurer's quote. A few more keystrokes, a quick check of the security code and expiry date on my card, and I was all insured up. Now that was painless.

Then the pain started. Since clicking 'enter', I have been inundated with phone calls from all manner of companies trying to sell their wares to me. I even got a call from the company I chose to insure with. It's been less than a week since I logged my details, and now I have 7 seperate 'cold call' numbers stored in my phone. Whenever I receive a call from any of them I either shout 'Hello' a lot and pretend I can't hear them, or make weird animal noises until they hang up. And they still call back.

I only went to moneysupermarket because I hate talking to call centres in Bangalore. Let this be a warning to you good people, this crowd pass your personal details onto pretty much everyone.

The silly Breeders

The Breeders have just released their first album for 6 years. It is shit. I mean really shit. Shitter than ABBA's greatest hits been played by a Jew's Harp, Panpipe and Bagpipe combo. So very dissapointed. At least the Biscuits release a new album in a couple of weeks.

Another stupid thing

Writing that piece about cricket records and seeing Tony Meo has reminded me of something that has been niggling me for 18 years. In 1990, at the age of 21, that spotty Jock 'personality', Stephen Hendry, was on This Is Your Life. I mean, he was 21 at the time, what kind of life had he had? Born, shat in a few nappies, learnt to walk/talk/play snooker, won a tournament, Stephen Hendry, this is your life. That was a thrilling 30 minutes.

The star spotting continues

Not only am I a good friend of Fergal Sharkey now, but on the way home I came across some flash motor with the Reg plate 'MEO something something' (I didn't make note of the last to digits, 99 or the like). It couldn't be, could it? As I passed, I had a good look and it was indeed the diminuative king of the baise (80's edition). The rest of the journey home I couldn't help wondering if he tried to get MEO 147 but had to settle for a safety shot rather than take on that tricky last red.

Stupid records

The new cricket season has started, and in my excitement I was looking at the profiles of the new Warwickshire team on Cricinfo. For Mike Powell, this little gem popped up:
'In June 1998 he became the first uncapped Warwickshire player for 49 years to carry his bat against Nottinghamshire at Edgbaston'
I mean, that's clutching at straws a bit isn't it? Ok, he carried his bat, which is a good show, well done you. But then we are really drilling down a bit after that. Uncapped Warwickshire player. Versus Nottingham. At Edgbaston. Wearing a copper arthritis bangle. On a Tuesday. Before Neighbours starts.

Cricket is a bit of a culprit for that. Records are all fine and dandy, but let's make them worthwhile shall we? You often hear those records like 'Record 9th wicket stand versus Bangladesh at the Oval between a debutant and a wicket keeper', or 'he's only the 14th left handed batsman for England who has scored a fifty on his debut'.

Football is not much better, things like 'they haven't lost at home in the cup to lower league opposition since 2004'. Pah.

We've got to stop meeting like this

I saw Fergal Sharkey whilst out at lunch again. He must have got a job at Sainsburys or something.

The Carp Mach 2

The Carp has just reopened after a £410 000 facelift. It's all very posh now with new carpets and everything. The bit where we normally drink is still there, but the side part with the toilets, games machines and pool tables has been redesigned and turned into an eating area. It was a bit disconcerting going in for the first time since the builders left and having to ask where the toilets were in a pub I've spent nearly every Saturday in for four years.

There's some changes that I am not happy about though. The tele in 'our corner' has been removed. In fact there are only two teles in the whole place now, and they are not in the best of spots. The menu, including the '2 mains for £7' has changed. Now it contains food like 'Minced Aberdeen Angus Beef Burger served on ciabatta bread with a side order of chipped potatoes and morning fresh green salad leaves'. More importantly the beer has gone up in price. You used to get change from a deep sea diver for two pints of Australian, now it costs £5.40. Ouch.

The reason, I have been told, is because now the pub is classed by the brewery as a 'City Slicker' pub, and is the only one of it's kind outside of central London. Not sure what City Slicker brings to your mind, but to me it brings images of 25-35 year old men in matching suits drinking bottled beer saying 'Ya' a lot. The only people in Camberley that wear suits are the staff in Phones4U. So I'm not sure how this new classification will go down.

But what makes a pub is not the decor, or the menu, or even the price. For me, it's the people. Happily, the same old crowd are still in there;
- Martin and Anna, the (sometimes) friendly landpeople,
- Carly the barmaid (who's tits my lad stares at and licks his lips),
- Matt the groundworker and bouncer,
- Tatooed Tony,
- Moose the wee man,
- Graham the skier,
- Phil the landlord of The Goose, who seems to spend more time in the Carp,
- Geordie, father of the Devilchild
plus a load of other people that I only know as 'mate'.

It's a good place, the brewery will have to do a lot more changes to convince me to drink elsewhere.

Pointless conversations with stupid people

I was in the Carp yesterday, watching Barnsley pop my 'if they win the cup I'll be £800 better off' bubble. My Barnsley supporting friend was sitting alongside me, with his fresh out of the wrapping Tykes shirt. I had earlier put on the only red shirt I own, my Coventry away one. This couple sat near us and the one with two X chromosomes started up a conversation with me. It went thus:

'Are you both Barnsley fans?'
'No, just Dean'
'So why are you wearing a Barnsley shirt?'
'It's not a Barnsley shirt, it's a Coventry shirt'
'Oh, why are you wearing a Coventry shirt'
'I thought I would wear something red to support Barnsley who, coincidentally, play in red'
'So who's shirt is it?'
'It's mine'
'Why do you have 'SNOWY' printed on the back?'
'Because that's my nickname'
'Oh, who do you support then?'
Jesus woman.

Global cooling

Now they have announced that the world isn't heating up, it's cooling down, do you think Labour will give me back all the money they have extorted out of me under the Global Warming banner over the last few years?

It's been a while

My sense of humour has seriously diminished over the past couple of months, hence no posting. However, I had to make a note that I saw Feargal Sharkey in Berners Street this lunchtime. Hope I can think of something more interesting to post soon.

Over and out.