It must be Xmas

Judging by all the perfume and fountain pen adverts on tele.

Things we say

Anyone reading this that has gone through the whole parenting thing will know that you tend to live in a perpetual zombie state. Anything you do from the hours of 9pm to 5am are generally done on impulse, and trying to remember what you did or said the night before is hoping for too much.

The baby has a cold at the moment so has been sleeping in our bed (that way we can squirt drugs down his throat without getting cold). He was particularly whiney last night, so the missus upped sticks and went to sleep on the couch. She told me this morning that during the night I got came downstairs and said to her 'I'm going for a piss, if you hear a thud it will be the kid'. It was 'my turn' to get a bottle the other night. I got out of bed in my underpants to go downstairs and do the honours. In a sleepy voice, with no hint of irony or humour she mumbled 'put some clothes on, you'll scare the cats'. We're a loving family.

I Am Legend

Although the hour is late on a Sunday eve, I still feel the need to record that I have just watched 'I Am Legend', and it is shite.

It doesn't add up

When it comes to health, I've had a miserable couple of months. Following my accident, my shoulder and ribs hurt for a long time. During that period, I injured my left wrist taking a laptop bag off my back. I went bowling for a company day out and injured the middle finger of my right hand. (This was because the only ball my fingers would fit into was the fat bastard one. My hands are that big that even a carnie would be embarrassed about them). I got a cold about 3 weeks ago and it stuck around so long it got squatter's rights. During the cold, I developed a stomach bug and pissed through my arse for a week. I've been grumpier than usual because of all this.

Last night we had our company Xmas party. I really shouldn't have gone because I felt rotten, but as I haven't had much fun recently, I thought I would go and drink through my illness and lick my wounds later. I started drinking at 5:20pm. It was a free bar so I drank like someone was going to take it away from me. This continued until 11pm. I was very drunk, I forgot my illness. I got the 11:35pm train home. It got to Farnborough at 20 after midnight. I waited in the taxi queue/freezing air until 1:15am when I finally reached the front of the queue and got a taxi home. When I got home at 1:30am I was told that I had to sleep on the couch because I had Stella breath. I watched some of the darts highlights before nodding off at around 2am. At 6am, I got woken up by my organic alarm clock (my son) and with only 4 hours of (troubled) sleep, went about my normal work day routine. I should feel like death and was half expecting to be in an ambulance this morning, but I actually feel healthier than I have for over a month. Now how the hell did that happen?

Sound advice

I've got a lot from my old man through the years (over and above premature hair loss and a dislike for custard). He's a bit of a sage and often dispenses good advice. For instance he told me very early on in my life not to be afraid to listen to the music I want to listen to rather than what my peers listened to. This is probably why I have a pretty eclectic music taste which includes Fairport Convention - Matty Groves, Mel & Kim - Respectable and Einstürzende Neubauten - Z.N.S. amongst my favourite tracks.

Moving swiftly on, here's a selection of some of the better advice my Dad has dished out:
- Never answer a question with a question
- Real men don't dance
- When in doubt, cheat
- Never trust a man who doesn't drink
- Don't laugh at your own jokes
- Never flush the toilet when the train is at a station
- Treat everyone with equal contempt.

If everyone lived by these rules, the world would be a far far better place.

Sheer genius

Normally I spend my time on this blog slagging people off, recounting stories of stupid people or moaning about how crap my sports teams are (England bowled out for 81 by Sri Lanka this morning). But this time I am going to stand back and let these two take all the credit they deserve

Don't you just hate it when...

...you are halfway through what would be the best sneeze ever, something distracts you and the sneeze is aborted? It's kind of like when you are at a game, and you think your team has scored so you sort of half stand up, half pump your fist in the air and yelp before realising that they haven't so your yelp turns into an 'Oooooo', your hand rests on top of your head and you sit down in an awkward position. For me anyway.

Wretched being

I was on the Tube last night, with a beery grin on my chops and 'Prodigy - Diesel Power' in my ears. I have to admit I was a bit of a mess, having power-drank for about 4 hours. I decided that I would have enough time to get a burger at Waterloo before my train limped pathetically back to Camberley. A couple of stops into the journey, this girl got on and sat next to me. She had a Tesco bag full of shopping (she must be pissed off with the tuna / sweetcorn crisis at Sainsburies as well). In it I could see a bag of pasta, a lettuce, a bunch of spring onions, a jar of pasta sauce and a bottle of mineral water (still). I have never felt unhealthier than I did at that moment.

Add...

...hangovers to the list below

'Tis the season to be jolly

As a bit of an antidote to the Christmas cheer, I thought I would list a few things that have been annoying me recently
People who stand on the stairs at tube stations talking on mobiles. - - - - - Queues. - - - - - People who bump into the back of you in queues. - - - - - iPhone, iPod, iShuffle, iAye. Not the products, the names. It's only slightly more McIrritating than McDonalds McProducts. - - - - - Smoking when I really don't want one. - - - - - Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson, Ian Wright. Individually very irritating, collectively intolerable. - - - - - People who board a carriage as you are trying to get off. - - - - - On train announcements (that are quite clearly assembled from key words by some machine) giving some of the strangest word accentuation known to man. - - - - - Buying something expensive and then finding out you could have bought a similar product that is twice as good for half the price. - - - - - People who have 'the flu' when they have a cold. - - - - - nil-nil draws. - - - - - Xmas decorations in November. - - - - - Office meetings during lunchtime. Or after hours. Or anytime when the pubs are open. - - - - - Being constantly ripped off in the name of global warming. - - - - - Sitting through a 2 hour film and only realising as the credits roll that it was shit. - - - - - Pretty girls who try their utmost to look like something the cat dragged in, ate, sicked up, ate again then shat out. - - - - - Bed head 'fashion'. This has been going on far too long and needs to be stopped. - - - - - xx.99 prices. Taken to a new level at petrol stations where you won't find a litre of petrol without .9 at the end. - - - - - Sudoku. - - - - - Albums that have one killer track and 14 shit ones. - - - - - The Labour government still blaming things on the previous administration. - - - - - The Labour government. - - - - - Terminal 3, Heathrow. - - - - - People that send all staff emails mentioning that they have a birthday coming up. - - - - - Tax on bonuses. - - - - - Clear snot. Snot should be green, accept no substitutes. - - - - - Venders handing out free newspapers. If I want one, I will take one. - - - - - People walking far too slowly for the situation. - - - - - Hats. Specifically Andy Capp style for men, Pimp hats for women. - - - - - Playing the open B chord on the guitar. - - - - - People who read books whilst they are walking. - - - - - The word 'Executive' in a job title. - - - - - Filling out timesheets. - - - - - Takeaway coffee cups with that little hole in plastic lid. It's Russian Roulette with your lips as to how hot the coffee will be. Or tea. - - - - - Diamond stud earings on men. - - - - - Fancy tea. Earl Grey is acceptable, Pomegranate, peach and toad pheromone is not.

Waterloo announcement

I was waiting for a train at Waterloo last night and an announcement came over the tannoy:
'We'd like to remind passengers that it is illegal to ride bikes on the concourse. It is a danger to other passengers and also illegal'.

I guess it's illegal then

Rossetta stone

There is an advert on tube trains at the moment for some PC software that teaches you lanaguages, called Rossetta Stone. Their strapline is:
'In less time that you've been on this train you could have learnt a few words in a new language'

I could have been fluent in Japanese by the time this particular train arrived at it's destination.

Scrum down

I've just been into Marks and Sparks to get my lunch (I've given up on Sainsburies; their SKU on tuna/sweetcorn sarnies is a shambles). They have all these Xmas pressie type things near the entrance which you have to walk through to get to the food hall. I feel like I have just played a full 80 minutes in the front row against Samoa. Women + Xmas + baskets = extreme violence. Cashmere is in apparently.