Dick's in the office

Thought of a couple more that wind me up; office flirts. Now not the general day to day flirting which should be actively encouraged, I'm talking about the guy (again, always men) that so clearly fancy the pants of the receptionist/secretary that they might as well get a t-shirt printed with their names inside a big pink heart. The type that says things like 'Well don't say hello then' when she walks past, or 'two sugars please' every time she is in the kitchen, followed by 10 minutes of inane grinning and no doubt imagining what it would be like to take said receptionist/secretary on a date, some light supper then who knows? This man will walk up to her desk and start a very banale conversation at frighteningly frequent intervals, and do a lot of unnecessary printing and faxing. This normally results in lots of eye rolling from the victim, and lots of half-laughs because she can never work out whether he has cracked a joke or not. Potential hunters can be spotted quite easily, they wear designer clothes, probably have a bowl of fruit on their (always tidy) desks and are usually short and not very popular. An early warning sign is they always respond to all staff emails.

You have no chance son, she fancies the guy in the mail room and wouldn't piss on you if you set yourself alight. You are making a tit of yourself, please stop.

Another one; who the hell deemed it acceptable for men to wear flip-flops at work? It's bad enough that they turn up in shorts during the summer, having to see their hairy, spindly, transparent toothpicks is just not on. Now we are all treated to grubby feet with gnarled toenails, corns, blister scars etc. Buy some socks and get a pair of trainers for Christ sake, this isn't Bondi Beach. My only hope is that they get their toes caught in the escalators at Oxford Circus, that'll learn 'em. Next year I half expect some fellas to be wearing their t-shirts around their waists.

And if that bastard doesn't stop clipping his fingernails every few days I'm going to insert the clipper in his eye.