Given up

Try http://twitter.com/skybluesnowy instead

And another thing...

I've lost count of the amount of twats that have walked past me wearing facemasks. Hog cold might be in the news, but I'm not sure how a bit of british rail toilet paper elastic banded across your gob is going to help. It's like there is a michael Jackson convention in town.

Did I say that out loud?

Waiting for my wife at heathrow arrivals, an elderly lady was just standing next to me. This very attractive teenager came thru the security doors, ran up to the old lady and hugged her. As I admired her, I let out an approving 'mmmm'. I think it was a bit loud as they both shot dirty looks at me.

This is my first ever post from my iPhone. Now I can publish embarrassing episodes from my life before the blood drains from my face.

iPhone

You know what the best thing about an iPhone is? Being able to surf the web whilst taking a dump. You don't see that in the adverts do you?

Put it away sir

I was at the hospital recently (nothing serous, don't worry). The guy ahead of me in the queue for the reception desk gave his name, but the receptionist couldn't find his appointment, so asked him what he was doing there. 'I'm here to see the skin specialist' he said. He paused for a second then said 'Dermatosis' before thrusting his scabby hands in front of the receptionist's face. I'm just glad he didn't have VD.

Panasonic Viera Advert

There's and advert on Sky Movies for the titular television, kind of 'This movie is sponsored by...' sort of thing before the film starts. There's this wall that's painted like the Spanish flag and leaning against it is some bird who is painted the same. She bursts from the wall, does a couple of gymnastic moves then has a bit of a barney with a fella, before giving the camera a dirty look and then blending back into the wall. At least she would blend in, being painted like the wall and all, but for the fact she has nostrils like the twin tail pipes on a Subaru. She stands out like a pig in a synagogue.

Barack Obama is a meanie

Did anyone else notice Obama's expression when they announced that he had won the election? He looked a bit serious, kind of concerned. Now you may argue that he was reflecting on a tough fought election campaign, or that he was contemplating the magnitude of the task ahead of him. Perhaps the pressures of the most senior position in the world was playing on his mind. No, no and no, I know what he was thinking. 'Shit, now I have to buy the brats that god damn puppy'.

What a mean man he really is. Most kids get palmed off with 'I'll get you one if you do well at school' or 'next time I get a payrise, the mutt is yours'. Not the Obama offspring. 'Sure kids, I'll get you a puppy when I become president.'

Bet he's not laughing now, that'll learn him.

Top 10 tips for Christmas

- Unpicking the stitching of the flaps on your jacket waist reveals two rather convenient and deep pouches. This is, apparently, common knowledge to all but has been kept secret from me until now.
- Never buy your mother an iPod for Xmas - you'll be answering questions about it for the next decade.
- Avoid big cars at Xmas time, they are normally driven by women driving their drunk husband/boyfriend/boss, who have little experience of maneuvering said vehicle.
- Don't drop your iPhone in a toilet, it tends to get all broken like.
- When asked what you would like for Xmas, don't answer 'Don't worry about me, I have everything I need'. You will be disappointed (unless you like moccasins, rucksacks or calendars).
- Avoid family. In-laws specifically.
- Heavily sedate children under 5.
- Never tell the regulars in your local that you will see them for a quick pint on Xmas day - you won't be allowed to.
- If you want Yorkshire puddings with your meal, don't try and make them yourself.
- Don't offer to work through Xmas, thinking that the office will be really quiet, you can do your own thing, get in at 11 and leave at 2. You will have a queue of Project Managers at your desk and be dumped with work for clients that you never knew existed.

It's official

No longer can you complain about having R.S.I. (Repetitive Strain Injury), it's now known as Non-specific Arm Pain. So get back to work, you lazy fops.

...and 2 minutes later

she rings back and asks me what towels my Mum would like for Xmas.

Odd question

I've just had a call from the wife. She asked me what my father-in-law's shoe size is. I had to tell her I really didn't know, nor care. I also told her that I don't know what my shoe size is, or hers. She seemed upset.

Picking on me

I've just been talking to a contractor at work. Whilst I was answering the question he posed, he began picking his nose. I paused briefly, then he started delving and as I became speechless, he instigated an excavation. He finished, then carried on the conversation as if nothing was awry. I'm not sure if he found what he was looking for, or what he did with it if he did, I just hot tailed and fled. I'm going to avoid that dirty beggar in future. I get enough of that kind of stuff at home.

Visor advice

A couple of tips regarding motorcycle safety helmet visors:
- Cleaning bugs off your visor with a pot scourer is stupid.
- Purchasing a replacement visor which is tinted in the middle of winter is even stupider.