A rant about crap films

I'm not sure why, but recently I've been watching a lot of older films. Maybe it's because I'm approaching pensionable age and am yearning for days when I would spend my pocket money on Tippex thinners and milkshakes. No matter, moving swiftly on...

I reckon we all get it. You see a film when you are about 12 or 13, really enjoy it, think of it occasionally, answer a question about it correctly at a pub quiz, feel proud of yourself, every now and then make a mental note to watch it again and never do. Well I have, and boy am I disappointed.

First on the list is Footloose. I saw it whilst on holiday in Port Elizabeth when I was about 14 or 15. I thought Kevin Bacon was cool, Lori Singer gorgeous and Chris Penn as tough as nails. Even Sarah Jessica Parker looked cute, now she looks like a horse. I've never been into dancing, but I was really impressed back then. But what a pointless film that really was. It follows the rules pretty well. Outsider - check. Single parent trying to start a new life - check. Prom queen going out with complete knob who is captain of the football team, drives a pick up, drinks and sneers - check. Outsider woos prom queen - check. Outsider makes people see the error of their ways and becomes a hero, impressing everyone and making the world a better place - check, and so on. The last 5 minutes of the film are legendary. Outsider and mate beat on bad boy and his gang, pile into the disco, get everyone on the dancefloor to show the skills they have been developing the whole time music and dancing was banned, and try and make Kenny Loggins sound cool. And glitter falls. I can buy everything, except the Kenny Loggins bit.

Ferris Beuller's Day Off. Now the openinig scene is pretty good, when Matt is in the shower (easy tiger) and does his Hamlet bit into the camera, but the rest of it is pure tosh. 'The epitome of cool' I've heard him described as in various respected movie magazines. He's a wanker. What kind of mate forces his friend to bunk off and play gooseberry, steal his Dad's prize car, trashes it then leaves his mate to sort it out with his Dad? With friends like that... I think there was supposed to be a message in there somewhere, but I have no idea what it is. Take advantage of and manipulate weaker kids who have no mates, to pamper your whims perhaps?

And the there's Pretty in Pink. Now this one I never really thought much of back then. Bit of a girl's film, but still left me feeling quite happy with life. However nothing happens in it. I never did find Molly Ringwald attractive, I see no reason why Andy McCarthy should. He's rich for God's sake, can have any bit of blurt he wants, what does he want with her? So rich guys asks poor girl on a date. Go to friend's party, everyone avoids him because she's poor. They break up. 'Best friend' of girl wants to shag her, but rich guy storms back in and 'best friend' accepts this. That's it. I think the thing I hate most about this film is that I thought it was just me that made mix tapes for girls I fancied at school. Good title song mind, and no-one died.

Karate Kid. See Footloose above, but with karate instead of dancing. It has to have the quickest finale in the history of cinema. 2 hours of build up, 12 seconds of kick, punch, cheat, injury, crane, win, credits. Coined the phrase 'Wax on, wax off' though.

I also saw My Bodyguard recently, which I'm ashamed to say I thoroughly enjoyed, probably more than I should have. The punchline ('scuse the pun) was a bit drawn out though. And I'm not sure about the 'when you can take no more, beat up your enemies' is the right kind of message to be sending out to the kids.

I am not giving up yet though, I still have the Back to the Future series to get through. And War Games, Weird Science, Risky Business... Christ I'm sad.