SkyBlueSnowy

Given up

2009-08-13T13:55:00.000+01:00

Try http://twitter.com/skybluesnowy instead

And another thing...

2009-05-02T21:27:00.002+01:00

I've lost count of the amount of twats that have walked past me wearing facemasks. Hog cold might be in the news, but I'm not sure how a bit of british rail toilet paper elastic banded across your gob is going to help. It's like there is a michael Jackson convention in town.

Did I say that out loud?

2009-05-02T21:11:00.002+01:00

Waiting for my wife at heathrow arrivals, an elderly lady was just standing next to me. This very attractive teenager came thru the security doors, ran up to the old lady and hugged her. As I admired her, I let out an approving 'mmmm'. I think it was a bit loud as they both shot dirty looks at me.

This is my first ever post from my iPhone. Now I can publish embarrassing episodes from my life before the blood drains from my face.

iPhone

2009-04-16T13:49:00.002+01:00

You know what the best thing about an iPhone is? Being able to surf the web whilst taking a dump. You don't see that in the adverts do you?

Put it away sir

2009-04-09T13:29:00.000+01:00

I was at the hospital recently (nothing serous, don't worry). The guy ahead of me in the queue for the reception desk gave his name, but the receptionist couldn't find his appointment, so asked him what he was doing there. 'I'm here to see the skin specialist' he said. He paused for a second then said 'Dermatosis' before thrusting his scabby hands in front of the receptionist's face. I'm just glad he didn't have VD.

Panasonic Viera Advert

2009-04-09T11:48:00.000+01:00

There's and advert on Sky Movies for the titular television, kind of 'This movie is sponsored by...' sort of thing before the film starts. There's this wall that's painted like the Spanish flag and leaning against it is some bird who is painted the same. She bursts from the wall, does a couple of gymnastic moves then has a bit of a barney with a fella, before giving the camera a dirty look and then blending back into the wall. At least she would blend in, being painted like the wall and all, but for the fact she has nostrils like the twin tail pipes on a Subaru. She stands out like a pig in a synagogue.

Barack Obama is a meanie

2009-04-09T07:41:00.003+01:00

Did anyone else notice Obama's expression when they announced that he had won the election? He looked a bit serious, kind of concerned. Now you may argue that he was reflecting on a tough fought election campaign, or that he was contemplating the magnitude of the task ahead of him. Perhaps the pressures of the most senior position in the world was playing on his mind. No, no and no, I know what he was thinking. 'Shit, now I have to buy the brats that god damn puppy'.

What a mean man he really is. Most kids get palmed off with 'I'll get you one if you do well at school' or 'next time I get a payrise, the mutt is yours'. Not the Obama offspring. 'Sure kids, I'll get you a puppy when I become president.'

Bet he's not laughing now, that'll learn him.

Top 10 tips for Christmas

2008-12-31T10:13:00.007Z

- Unpicking the stitching of the flaps on your jacket waist reveals two rather convenient and deep pouches. This is, apparently, common knowledge to all but has been kept secret from me until now.
- Never buy your mother an iPod for Xmas - you'll be answering questions about it for the next decade.
- Avoid big cars at Xmas time, they are normally driven by women driving their drunk husband/boyfriend/boss, who have little experience of maneuvering said vehicle.
- Don't drop your iPhone in a toilet, it tends to get all broken like.
- When asked what you would like for Xmas, don't answer 'Don't worry about me, I have everything I need'. You will be disappointed (unless you like moccasins, rucksacks or calendars).
- Avoid family. In-laws specifically.
- Heavily sedate children under 5.
- Never tell the regulars in your local that you will see them for a quick pint on Xmas day - you won't be allowed to.
- If you want Yorkshire puddings with your meal, don't try and make them yourself.
- Don't offer to work through Xmas, thinking that the office will be really quiet, you can do your own thing, get in at 11 and leave at 2. You will have a queue of Project Managers at your desk and be dumped with work for clients that you never knew existed.

It's official

2008-12-22T15:01:00.003Z

No longer can you complain about having R.S.I. (Repetitive Strain Injury), it's now known as Non-specific Arm Pain. So get back to work, you lazy fops.

...and 2 minutes later

2008-12-22T10:37:00.002Z

she rings back and asks me what towels my Mum would like for Xmas.

Odd question

2008-12-22T10:33:00.002Z

I've just had a call from the wife. She asked me what my father-in-law's shoe size is. I had to tell her I really didn't know, nor care. I also told her that I don't know what my shoe size is, or hers. She seemed upset.

Picking on me

2008-11-27T10:19:00.001Z

I've just been talking to a contractor at work. Whilst I was answering the question he posed, he began picking his nose. I paused briefly, then he started delving and as I became speechless, he instigated an excavation. He finished, then carried on the conversation as if nothing was awry. I'm not sure if he found what he was looking for, or what he did with it if he did, I just hot tailed and fled. I'm going to avoid that dirty beggar in future. I get enough of that kind of stuff at home.

Visor advice

2008-11-27T09:36:00.001Z

A couple of tips regarding motorcycle safety helmet visors:
- Cleaning bugs off your visor with a pot scourer is stupid.
- Purchasing a replacement visor which is tinted in the middle of winter is even stupider.

Stop thief

2008-11-26T07:52:00.002Z

I notice that there are a lot of signs going up around London 'Beware, thieves operate in this area'. Surely the council could have saved a lot of money by just telling the police?

I married a hamster

2008-11-23T20:36:00.002Z

Our car went to the doctors for repairs a couple of weeks ago. The garage came to pick it up on the Friday morning and left us with a courtesy car. The following week I got a call from them saying I could come and collect my car. I arranged to do it on the Saturday morning. On the Friday night, my wife asked me to make sure I got all the stuff out of the courtesy car before I took it back. We'd only had it a week so naturally I assumed she just meant her make up back and a spare nappy or something. I swear, I filled a black bin bag with all the shit. She had the car for a week, and there was more stuff in it than in most small retail outlets. She had even bought a Winnie-the-Pooh sun blind because 'the courtesy car windows are smaller than on our car'.

Snotty bitch

2008-11-23T19:23:00.002Z

I was in John Lewis earlier today trying to find where my wife was. She said she was just nipping to Woollies and wouldn't be five minutes. So 45 minutes later I ended up in John Lewis looking for her. I was walking past the perfume counters and some over-made up tart approached me and said 'Are you looking to spoil your wife for Xmas, we have some lovely perfumes that I'm sure you'll love', then winked at me. I replied 'You're picking on the wrong fella me dear, I can't tell a good perfume from a puddle of cat piss'. Before flicking her hair, pushing her snout skywards and turning her back on me, she said in a snidey voice 'Your wife is so lucky to have you as a husband'. One does try one's best.

You know what annoys me?

2008-11-23T19:22:00.004Z

Families that go grocery shopping together. I'm not talking about Mr and Mrs Christian with young Tarquin and Delilah, I mean extended families of about 8 or more people. It's usually two couples, or one with an elderly couple in tow and a few uncle/aunt types. The women natter, the kids run riot, and the men normally walk slowly behind the carnage, with a content look on their chops, ocassionally picking up a jar of something or other and saying 'You don't get this in --insert wherever they have travelled down from for the weekend--' or 'I haven't seen this since I was in the army'. Normal people send the women out shopping and take their Dad/friend/brother for a pint, it's the rules.

You see some odd things in London

2008-11-20T13:48:00.002Z

I've just seen a man taking Polaroids of scooter headlamps. I repeat, Polaroids. Scooter headlamps. Polaroids? I thought they didn't exist anymore. Scooter lamps?? WTF?

Worst sporting week(end) of my life (revisited)

2008-11-17T10:50:00.002Z

Friday 14th of November: England lose to India by the biggest ever one day margin.
Saturday 15th of November (am): England lose Rugby League World Cup semi final to New Zealand.
Saturday 15th of November (pm): England snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against Australia at Twickenham.
Saturday 15th of November (pm): Coventry concede an 87th minute goal to lose 1-0 at home to Plymouth.
Monday 17th of November: England lose another one dayer to India.

4 days, played 5, lost 5. Things can only get better (there's no League next weekend!)

This week I have been irritated by

2008-11-14T08:58:00.002Z

- people who leave their mobile phones on the factory default ring tone
- people who leave their desktop background on the factory default image
- people who have sushi for lunch and eat it with chopsticks
- drivers at the front of the queue at traffic lights who wait until the light is green before engaging a gear.

The list is growing. Over and out.

Lost in translation

2008-10-18T21:49:00.003+01:00

I was watching some European club rugby a few days ago. Can't remember the teams but it was an Irish v French game. At one point, the ref, who was from England, gave a penalty and felt the misdemeanour sufficient to give the transgressor a jolly good talking to. He called the captain and the player, who happended to be an Afrikanner, over and started telling the captain, in French, what the South African had done wrong. The captain then translated what the ref said to his team mate in English.

Troubled sleep

2008-10-18T08:18:00.001+01:00

My wife has bought this fancy gadget that makes a variety of noises designed to make the baby go to, and more importantly, stay, asleep. It has an option of birds twittering, rain falling, wind rustling leaves and so on. The one she favours is supposed to be waves crashing on a beach. However, to me it sounds like a rottweiller sleeping, albeit it with one eye open. So everytime I go past my son's room at night, I hear this monster heavy breathing in there. To be fair though, it does make him sleep. But I'm pretty sure it's out of fear more than anything.

Tendulkar fireworks

2008-10-17T10:04:00.002+01:00

I'm at home looking after my ailing offspring, and sitting here watching the India v Australia test match. Sachin Tendulkar has just scored a couple of runs that has made him the highest test run scorer ever. The crowd went wild, fireworks were let off. I feel quite honoured to have witnessed such a momentous occasion. Records are broken all the time, but this one has to be one of the hardest to achieve. I was at Edgbaston the day before Brian Lara scored his world record 501 not out against Durham (he scored 19 the day before), so I'm glad I've actually see this record live. And all I can think is 'fireworks during the day?'

The joy of kids

2008-10-10T13:28:00.001+01:00

This morning I was looking after junior whilst the missus had a shower. He was in a buoyant mood and kept jumping on me and being all laddy. It was only at lunchtime when I went to the toilet at work that I saw I had, on my white t-shirt, a 4x1 cm lime-green snot trail smack bang in the middle of my chest.

I'm worried about my wife

2008-10-09T16:08:00.001+01:00

She called me 'dude' last night, and later said that the childminder was 'stoked' with her birthday present. Do you think I should alert the authorities?

She hasn't been to Waterloo

2008-10-09T13:21:00.000+01:00

Overheard in London-
Man: 'You haven't been to Waterloo?'
Woman: 'I don't think so'
Same man: 'You haven't been to Waterloo?'
Same woman: 'No'
Still the same man: 'You haven't been to Waterloo?'
Still the same woman: 'Defintely not'

Hats off to my bro'

2008-09-30T14:35:00.000+01:00

My brother was an army conscript in the South African Defence Force. He finished his service in 1987 without killing anyone and went onto lead a happy life. Anyway, I digress. I was at his passing out parade, and very grand it was too. There was a whole stand of important army folk facing a dirt parade ground filled with neat rows of soldiers clad in brown fatigues. There must have been at least 300 soldiers. When the final speaker had finished his bit and the propoganda ceremony was complete, the chief army fella gave one last 'Nnnnnnnntennnnnnn-SHUNN'. There was a loud thud as 300 right boots smacked the dirt, sending up a plume of dust so big that you could see it from the recently demoted planet Pluto. 'Deeeeahhhhhhh-sssssssssssmissed'. With that there was a loud cheer and 300 brown berets went flying into the air.

Now I've seen countless similar scenes on television programs and films since, and every time I have the same though: 'How did they find their own hat?'

I've recently been back to South Africa on holiday and met up with my brother. We were looking at old photographs and some were of his army days. I recalled my worry about the hats and asked him about it. He looked at me with an 'are you taking the piss' expression. I assured him that I really needed to know.

He said 'How do you think?'
I replied 'Well I've given it loads of thought over the last 21 years, and can only imagine that the berets/hats come in a few standard sizes. You just find a hat in your size and adopt it'.
'You are supposed to be the brains in the family'
'Well how did you find your hat then?'
'When we were first issued with them, we wrote our names in the lining'
'Doh'

2 decade mystery solved.

McHoldup

2008-09-30T08:17:00.002+01:00

A couple of weeks ago I was sent out by the ball and chain to acquire some solids for dinner. I couldn't be arsed to go to the shops and cook something, or wait for a Chinese or a Ruby, so opted for the easy option and went to McDonalds. Being lazier still, I joined the back of the queue in the drive-thru. It took it's time, but I had the radio on and was enjoying a heated debate about the pros and cons of a 4-4-2 over a 4-5-1 formation by a trio of ex-footballers who I barely remember.

After a while, I rounded the corner and was greeted by a young chap, framed by Window #1. Unlike most of the previous cashiers I have dealt with at McD's, he could speak english. He took my order and payment and told me to drive round to Window #3 to collect my WeightWatchers nightmare (not sure what happened to Window #2 by the way). I would have, but the car in front me had not moved an inch since I pulled up to the cashier.

'Busy tonight ' I said
'Yes, busier than normal' he agreed.
'You been on long?' I asked
'About an hour' he said

The car in front still hadn't moved.

'Problems in the kitchen?'
'Don't think so'
'Wonder what the hold up is then?'
'Dunno'

Still no movement form the car in front. An awkward silence of a few seconds passed.

'So how long have you been working here?' I inquired, desperate to fill the gap
'Oh, not long. About a month'

Each question was answered quickly, without a hint of expansion. He appeared not to be skilled in the art of 'chewing shit'.

I looked at the car ahead, willing it to move. It didn't, although he did turn his engine off.

I asked the youth a few more questions, hinting that maybe he should go and check what the problem was. He didn't and seemed happy to watch me get more and more uncomfortable with the situation. Now what I should have done, was pulled the window up, and continue to listen to the radio, but I felt that I had gone too far in conversing and it would have been rude.

Over the course of the next 20 minutes, I established that he was 18, was doing Business Studies at Farnborough College, lived with his parents but was looking at getting a flat with his girlfriend, enjoyed the nightshift because, I quote 'You get to see a lot of fights', enjoyed chart music although he liked to play rock guitar and wanted to start a band, knew every pub in Camberley and thought they were all shit.

After what seemed like a ten-stretch, the car in front moved. I've never been so happy to say goodbye to someone in my life.

Now you might not realise how painful it was, we've all sat on trains, buses, even long haul flights next to someone who starts up a conversation, but you always know in those situations that the destination is getting closer and closer. You can always look out the window for conversation inspiration, go to the toilet , pretend that you are going to the toilet and find another seat, or feign sleep. When you are at Window #1, you are stuck. And they fucked up my order.

What I want to know is...

2008-09-16T11:11:00.000+01:00

If the oil price has dropped 37% over the last 6 weeks, how come the petrol price has only dropped 6%?

Primelocation.com - it's getting worse

2008-09-12T12:47:00.001+01:00

The following property matching your search criteria of "3 bedroom houses for sale in Corby around £170,000" has just come on to Primelocation.com:
4 bedroom house for sale - Gretton - Asking price of £400,000

Primelocation.com

2008-09-11T15:05:00.001+01:00

I just received a very helpful email from Primelocation.com:

The following property matching your search criteria of "3 bedroom houses for sale in Corby around £170,000" has just come on to Primelocation.com:
4 bedroom house for sale - Harringworth - Asking price of £500,000

Is this company stupid?

Ferkin banker

2008-09-10T15:24:00.002+01:00

I wonder if it is possible to have a bout of road rage without calling the other participant a 'fucking wanker'. I have witnessed three seperate incidents of such vulgarity on my commutes this week alone. If wikipedia is to be believed, the term 'wanker' only became insulting during the 70's, so I wonder what road ragees used before that? 'You blinking rotter' or some other malicious insult no doubt. I prefer a short sharp 'TWAT!' myself, but I fear I am an exception to the rule.

Acceptable levels

2008-09-10T15:16:00.000+01:00

You know when you talk to someone, and they make you smile, how long do you think it is acceptable to keep smiling for? I've just found myself smiling for about a minute after a conversation finished. I wasn't thinking about what was said, it was only after writing a few lines of code that I realised I was still smiling. I had to force my face to return to it's usual miserable expression. I hope I don't always do this, I shall have to monitor my smiling from now on.

You Dim Sum, you lose some

2008-07-28T08:20:00.002+01:00

A mate of mine called me up the other day to see if I was about for lunch. Seeing as he is a Leicester fan and I'd not seen him since before the end of the season, I accepted his offer. Lunch approached and I started to look forward, nay, crave, the two pints of fizzy amber loveliness which I was about to consume.

I met him down by Oxford Circus, said our hellos (I thought I'd save the 'Lee-aaag-uue One, you are so League One' chant until later) and set about discussing where we would lunch.
'I know a nice little pub just off Regent St, it isn't far' I offered
'You know what, I really fancy Dim Sum' he replied
'Dim Sum? Dim Sum what? What the fuck is Dim Sum?'
'You'll love it, it's my favourite'.

Now he was paying, so I didn't really have much negotiating power here. I've never had Dim Sum before, I've never heard of Dim Sum before. Being a fat twat, I'll eat anything.

He took me to this restuarant he knows, it was very plush so I felt I was being treating like a proper lady. The menus arrived and beers were ordered. I looked at the menu and didn't recognise anything. Not a '...and served with chips' in sight. I left the ordering of food in his capable hands.

Now for those of you that don't know what to expect when eating at a Dim Sum restaurant, I shall reveal my knowledge forthwith;

1 - The waitron shall arrive balancing a number of circular bamboo baskets on top of each other.
2 - He/she will distribute them evenly across the table.
3 - Your friend will lift the lid off one of them, releasing a gust of steam from the basket, and a 'Mmmmm' from their mouth.
4 - He will then offer the basket to you.
5 - On inspection of contents of offering, you will observe that it contains a collection of items not dissimilar in size, shape and characteristics of ravioli that has been put on the boil then forgotten about for at least the duration of an Eastenders omnibus.
6 - You will then attempt, mostly unsuccessfully, to manoeuvre the ravioli clone from the basket into your dish using two sticks without stabbing it or dropping it on the table or floor.
7 - Once safely positioned on your dish, you will wait for your friend to do the same. It's polite.
8 - After watching him stick the thing in his mouth, you attempt, using the sticks, to do the same.
9 - On successful completion of relocating the Dim/Sum (delete where applic) you will notice that it's core is made up of some sort of indeterminable fish, surrounded by what can only be described as wallpaper paste mixed with snot.
10 - You say 'Mmmmm' through gritted teeth as you try desperately to swallow the bogey you've just passed through your lips.
11- You repeat steps 6-10 until you have the guts to either admit that you would rather blow a goat, or you find the power of speech to say 'I couldn't possibly, they are so filling'.

Next time, I'm paying.

Dumb people part, oo, lost count

2008-06-04T14:04:00.001+01:00

Why do people say 'Can I ask you a question?'
I always say 'no' and wait for their reaction. They normally ignore me. Most people do.

Theatre group's plea for stripper

2008-05-07T12:58:00.001+01:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/7387370.stm

Why not just hire a stripper?

I'm a little pony

2008-04-25T12:14:00.002+01:00

One of the things I have noticed about being a (not so) new parent, is that all of a sudden my house is filled with plastic objects that make noises. I can't take two steps without treading on something that sings, neighs, squeaks or beeps at me. A trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night sounds like one of those compilation sound effects CDs you get free with geek magazines. It's also costing me a small fortune in batteries. I reckon we could power a small village with the combined voltage of toy dwelling AA's in my house. Of the singing objects, my favourite is this rocking horse, with very realistic hair and fake leather sadle. It also sings 'I'm a little pony, clippity clop, clippity clop...' which amuses my lad and dad alike.

I've been thinking, who sings these songs that go into kid's toys? I mean, do people make a career out of it? Or does a serious singer fall on hard times? One of the singers really does put Whitney Houston circa 'I Will Always Love You' in the shade, she really belts name that colour, letter, animal out - I have to replace the batteries every 20 minutes if we leave that one on. I'd like to think that some of my offsprings toys have had some input from a star or two. I can imagine Tom Jones getting a call from his agent one day:

'Tom, I know things have been a bit quiet, but I've got you something'
'Excellent Boyo*, what is it, a world tour?'
'Wellllll... not exactly'
'Does Elton want to record that duet he's been talking about since 1972 - you know the one about the windy candle or something?'
'Hmm, I think that is still being recycled. No, this is some studio work, original stuff'
'Oh excellent. Who is the writer? Wonder? Gabriel? McCartney? Or is it someone good?'
'None of those, you might have heard of them. Price. Fischer Price.'
'No, doesn't ring any bells. Hang on a minute!'

* Please pardon my pathetic attempt to inject a bit of Welsh into the post

Things that have been winding me up at work

2008-04-24T15:16:00.001+01:00

1- For 3 years I've been working on the same project, I shit thee not. Further, for three years I have been the only front end developer on this project. Last Monday, a contractor showed up and I was told that he would be helping me. Joy of joys. As you can image having spent 3 years on a project, I kind of know it inside out. I spent 2 1/2 days showing this guy where everything was, how to do stuff, how to cheat etc. Once his training was complete, I realised that it was actually a pretty quiet week and told him to just have a play around and get himself familiar with the code. On the Friday I approached him and said that next week will be a lot busier, he told me that he was only on a week contract and wouldn't be here next week. Fucking brilliant.

2- There is only one working gents toilet on the entire floor. Considering there are about 50 males in the office, it's no suprise that the queue to relieve is longer than one at the Twickenham turnstiles ten minutes before kick off.

3- I'm bugfixing at the moment. This requires
- opening the bug tracker program,
- navigating to the website and finding the problem,
- grabbing the code and fixing it,
- uploading the code through the server,
- returning to the bug tracker and updating the status of the bug.

The bugtracker has a ten minute inactivity timeout. The website has a 15 minute timeout. The server console has a random timeout from anywhere between 30 seconds to about 7 minutes. So for every bug I fix, I have to keep logging into each system at least 4 times before anything actually gets done. Oh, and my server is running off my laptop. Our company has a 10 minute auto lock function on computers.

Glad I got that out of the way.

Money bloody Supermarket

2008-04-22T16:12:00.001+01:00

I got my new car insurance quote from my existing broker t'other day, and as with the last 4 years, it had gone up again even though I have 5 years no claims bonus. I decided (3 years too late) to try and find a cheaper alternative so visited moneysupermarket.com. I typed in all the relevant info and was presented with a list of quotes that made me smile, I was quoted happy. I read the top two or three and opted for a quote that suited my needs, and halved my present insurer's quote. A few more keystrokes, a quick check of the security code and expiry date on my card, and I was all insured up. Now that was painless.

Then the pain started. Since clicking 'enter', I have been inundated with phone calls from all manner of companies trying to sell their wares to me. I even got a call from the company I chose to insure with. It's been less than a week since I logged my details, and now I have 7 seperate 'cold call' numbers stored in my phone. Whenever I receive a call from any of them I either shout 'Hello' a lot and pretend I can't hear them, or make weird animal noises until they hang up. And they still call back.

I only went to moneysupermarket because I hate talking to call centres in Bangalore. Let this be a warning to you good people, this crowd pass your personal details onto pretty much everyone.

The silly Breeders

2008-04-17T17:06:00.002+01:00

The Breeders have just released their first album for 6 years. It is shit. I mean really shit. Shitter than ABBA's greatest hits been played by a Jew's Harp, Panpipe and Bagpipe combo. So very dissapointed. At least the Biscuits release a new album in a couple of weeks.

Another stupid thing

2008-04-16T14:35:00.000+01:00

Writing that piece about cricket records and seeing Tony Meo has reminded me of something that has been niggling me for 18 years. In 1990, at the age of 21, that spotty Jock 'personality', Stephen Hendry, was on This Is Your Life. I mean, he was 21 at the time, what kind of life had he had? Born, shat in a few nappies, learnt to walk/talk/play snooker, won a tournament, Stephen Hendry, this is your life. That was a thrilling 30 minutes.

The star spotting continues

2008-04-16T13:59:00.001+01:00

Not only am I a good friend of Fergal Sharkey now, but on the way home I came across some flash motor with the Reg plate 'MEO something something' (I didn't make note of the last to digits, 99 or the like). It couldn't be, could it? As I passed, I had a good look and it was indeed the diminuative king of the baise (80's edition). The rest of the journey home I couldn't help wondering if he tried to get MEO 147 but had to settle for a safety shot rather than take on that tricky last red.

Stupid records

2008-04-16T13:58:00.001+01:00

The new cricket season has started, and in my excitement I was looking at the profiles of the new Warwickshire team on Cricinfo. For Mike Powell, this little gem popped up:
'In June 1998 he became the first uncapped Warwickshire player for 49 years to carry his bat against Nottinghamshire at Edgbaston'
I mean, that's clutching at straws a bit isn't it? Ok, he carried his bat, which is a good show, well done you. But then we are really drilling down a bit after that. Uncapped Warwickshire player. Versus Nottingham. At Edgbaston. Wearing a copper arthritis bangle. On a Tuesday. Before Neighbours starts.

Cricket is a bit of a culprit for that. Records are all fine and dandy, but let's make them worthwhile shall we? You often hear those records like 'Record 9th wicket stand versus Bangladesh at the Oval between a debutant and a wicket keeper', or 'he's only the 14th left handed batsman for England who has scored a fifty on his debut'.

Football is not much better, things like 'they haven't lost at home in the cup to lower league opposition since 2004'. Pah.

We've got to stop meeting like this

2008-04-15T14:44:00.000+01:00

I saw Fergal Sharkey whilst out at lunch again. He must have got a job at Sainsburys or something.

The Carp Mach 2

2008-04-09T18:45:00.001+01:00

The Carp has just reopened after a £410 000 facelift. It's all very posh now with new carpets and everything. The bit where we normally drink is still there, but the side part with the toilets, games machines and pool tables has been redesigned and turned into an eating area. It was a bit disconcerting going in for the first time since the builders left and having to ask where the toilets were in a pub I've spent nearly every Saturday in for four years.

There's some changes that I am not happy about though. The tele in 'our corner' has been removed. In fact there are only two teles in the whole place now, and they are not in the best of spots. The menu, including the '2 mains for £7' has changed. Now it contains food like 'Minced Aberdeen Angus Beef Burger served on ciabatta bread with a side order of chipped potatoes and morning fresh green salad leaves'. More importantly the beer has gone up in price. You used to get change from a deep sea diver for two pints of Australian, now it costs £5.40. Ouch.

The reason, I have been told, is because now the pub is classed by the brewery as a 'City Slicker' pub, and is the only one of it's kind outside of central London. Not sure what City Slicker brings to your mind, but to me it brings images of 25-35 year old men in matching suits drinking bottled beer saying 'Ya' a lot. The only people in Camberley that wear suits are the staff in Phones4U. So I'm not sure how this new classification will go down.

But what makes a pub is not the decor, or the menu, or even the price. For me, it's the people. Happily, the same old crowd are still in there;
- Martin and Anna, the (sometimes) friendly landpeople,
- Carly the barmaid (who's tits my lad stares at and licks his lips),
- Matt the groundworker and bouncer,
- Tatooed Tony,
- Moose the wee man,
- Graham the skier,
- Phil the landlord of The Goose, who seems to spend more time in the Carp,
- Geordie, father of the Devilchild
plus a load of other people that I only know as 'mate'.

It's a good place, the brewery will have to do a lot more changes to convince me to drink elsewhere.

Pointless conversations with stupid people

2008-04-07T17:07:00.001+01:00

I was in the Carp yesterday, watching Barnsley pop my 'if they win the cup I'll be £800 better off' bubble. My Barnsley supporting friend was sitting alongside me, with his fresh out of the wrapping Tykes shirt. I had earlier put on the only red shirt I own, my Coventry away one. This couple sat near us and the one with two X chromosomes started up a conversation with me. It went thus:

'Are you both Barnsley fans?'
'No, just Dean'
'So why are you wearing a Barnsley shirt?'
'It's not a Barnsley shirt, it's a Coventry shirt'
'Oh, why are you wearing a Coventry shirt'
'I thought I would wear something red to support Barnsley who, coincidentally, play in red'
'So who's shirt is it?'
'It's mine'
'Why do you have 'SNOWY' printed on the back?'
'Because that's my nickname'
'Oh, who do you support then?'
Jesus woman.

Global cooling

2008-04-07T17:05:00.001+01:00

Now they have announced that the world isn't heating up, it's cooling down, do you think Labour will give me back all the money they have extorted out of me under the Global Warming banner over the last few years?

It's been a while

2008-04-04T16:42:00.004+01:00

My sense of humour has seriously diminished over the past couple of months, hence no posting. However, I had to make a note that I saw Feargal Sharkey in Berners Street this lunchtime. Hope I can think of something more interesting to post soon.

Over and out.

Some sound advice

2008-03-19T17:06:00.000Z

As a general rule of thumb, if, whilst doing something a little stupid (like filtering through a tapering gap between a lorry and a double decker bus) you say out loud 'This isn't a good idea', it probably isn't.

Lyrics of the day

2008-03-14T16:37:00.000Z

From Moldy Peaches 'Steak for chicken'

Who mistook the steak for chicken? Who am I gonna stick my dick in?

and later in the song

Who mistook these baths for showers? Who fucked up that leaning tower?

Ah, they don't write them like they used to.

Cloverfield

2008-03-04T13:54:00.000Z

I watched the titular film last night, and I thought it was superb. So there.

Mobile

2008-03-04T13:47:00.001Z

I've only gone and bought another bike. I've also ditched the gay helmet and now have a manly red and white one. The flipside is the missus won't let me ride without wearing a flourescent yellow construction worker style bib. I look like a pimple.

Anyway, after 2 weeks of faffing about riding 3 miles to Farnborough and getting the train, I decided that I would bike it all the way into London again. The first trip was yesterday. I only had two near misses, so things have started out well. However, as I was making my final descent in Londres Central, a taxi did a u-turn in the road and collected a scooter rider who was riding alongside me. The poor fella didn't have anywhere to go and smacked straight into the side of the taxi. I must be getting serene in my old age because I dumped my bike in the bus lane and ran over to help the lad. He seemed ok (although his scooter was a mess). I even gave him my card and said to give me a call if the insurance needs a witness statement. Two months ago I would have probably laughed.

Lunch

2008-03-04T13:46:00.000Z

Someone in the office is eating something that smells like a gas leak. At least I hope it's the food.

Some things I've been wondering today

2008-02-19T16:27:00.001Z

Why do people wear scarves loosely draped over their shoulders in the office?
Why, when asked how they are, do people tend to answer 'not too bad'?
Why would anyone want to listen to The Smiths?
What does the scroll lock button on a PC keyboard actually do?

Noises

2008-02-19T11:43:00.002Z

Whenever my missus hurts herself, she shouts 'Ow', just like they do in Enid Blyton books. This goes for any pain she suffers, but the volume and repetition of the word is relative to the amount of pain suffered.

I discharge different sounds depending on the situation. For instance, if I am cold, I will say 'Ooo, brrrr' then shudder my shoulders. If it's hot, I'll puff my cheeks and exhale sharply. If I bang my toe / shin / ankle / elbow / head, it's normally followed by a short sharp 'shit'. If I cut myself (this happens so often I'm sure my wife thinks I'm a self harmer), a gasp of 'fuck' is not far behind. If I think I have hurt myself but there is no pain, I suck air through my teeth, adopt a pained expression which disipates gradually as my brain realises that there isn't anything to worry about.

On Monday, I discovered that I squeal like a girl when I burn my nut sack on the oil radiator in the bathroom.

0-5

2008-02-19T11:42:00.000Z

A shocker for Coventry over the weekend, getting knocked out of the FA Cup, losing 5-0 at home. I've had better days. However, the disappointment was short lived when this little beauty paid off. Huzzah for hunches and hot lunches.

Another open letter...

2008-02-14T09:38:00.001Z

...to all those people who think they will hurt my feelings if they vacate the seat alongside me and sit somewhere else when the train empties. You won't. In fact, I would actively support you in your relocation. Now piss off.

Sniffers

2008-02-13T12:47:00.001Z

For some reason I seem to attract sniffers like lightbulb attracts moths.

Blossom

2008-02-13T12:46:00.001Z

To all those trees that think it's time to start blossoming, it's February for God's sake. Stop being so stupid.

Beer

2008-02-06T13:36:00.001Z

A friend of mine was ina pub last night. He was driving, so asked the barman for a ginger beer. The barman said 'We don't have ginger beer, we only have Stella and Heineken'. Bless.

The meaning of life

2008-02-01T09:31:00.001Z

I'm reading this book about philosophy. Now before you cuss and think that I have 'turned', it is a fiction book that bangs on about philosophy a bit. It's got me wondering though, mainly that I have never questioned the meaning of life or asked why are we here. As I write this I'm thinking of it for the first time, and can only offer that life means nothing more to a human than it does to a puppy, cockroach or grape. Why are we here? We just are, deal with it. I mean, where else are we supposed to live?

Maybe it's my Christian upbringing, and more specifically, Catholicism, that prevents me from pondering the big questions. When you are brought up as a Holy Roman (or a devil worshipper as a dear friend of mine refers to it), you are disuaded from questioning. Never question the work of God, a mere mortal cannot begin to understand God's plan, and so on.

'Does God exist?' is another biggie. To me She does (my vicar friend reliably informs me that God is female, and he should know as he's got a direct line to heaven), but I'm unsure as to whether that is true faith or a result of brainwashing. I suspect the latter. Again, I have never questioned the existence of God.

And then there's fate. Those that do believe in it will never lose an argument with those that don't. For example;
I missed my train home the other night. I was about to leave the office, when an email from my boss arrived so I stopped to read it in case it was important. 12 seconds later I saw that it wasn't, but read it anyway. I went on my merry way. As I got to the Southbound Bakerloo platform at Oxford Circus, a train was just leaving. Next one was 6 minutes away. When I got to Waterloo, my train had just left, I missed it by 2 minutes.

Now if I hadn't read that mail, I would have caught the first tube. I would have caught the early train home and I wouldn't have got into shit with the wife for getting home late.

A believer would say it was fate that I read that email. Who's to say it's not? I reckon it's just me being unable to have an unread email in my inbox.

Ater considering all that, I have come to the conclusion that the big questions for me are along the lines of 'should I have fries with that?'

Lip up fatty

2008-02-01T09:18:00.001Z

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, but this year I vowed that I would lose weight. I've always been festively plump. Except for a hiatus between the ages of 16 and 21, when thankfully I managed to get some sex in before my weight caught up with my overdraft.

Promising myself, and more importantly, the boss that I would have a flat tummy sometime this year was one thing, actually achieving it would be quite another. I decided that I needed help so I signed up to Weightwatchers. The online version, not the 'get your gut out in the local primary school gymnasium' humiliation.

It's actually pretty good. You can eat what you want, you just have to tot up the points assigned to the food you eat and keep within a daily limit. It's fairly easy to follow and there is an online diary widget that you can enter your sins into.

There is also a forum where you can ask and answer questions, get advice, and for those completely lacking any self discipline, get encouragement from other horizontally challenged sad cases. The first (and last) time I visited it, the first 4 topics were all related to chocolate cake. I had to chuckle. Although I have to admit that the only reason I went to the forum was to see how much beer I could drink in a day. Not much, was the painfully dissapointing answer.

So will you be seeing a new superslimskybluesnowysoon? Will you fuck, knocked it in the head after a 6 hour Saturday sesh followed by cheeseburger and chips down the local.

Pretty woman

2008-02-01T09:16:00.001Z

There is a very pretty girl who gets on the train at Egham, and off at Vauxhall in the morning. I noticed this morning that she has cut her hair and it really doesn't suit her. I shall have to have words.

Don't you just hate it when...

2008-01-11T14:22:00.000Z

...you ask someone how they are and they tell you?

The Dunning-Kruger effect

2008-01-11T11:21:00.000Z

The Dunning-Kruger effect is the phenomenon wherein people who have little knowledge think that they know more than others who have much more knowledge.

The phenomenon was demonstrated in a series of experiments performed by Justin Kruger and David Dunning, then both of Cornell University. They hypothesized that with a typical skill which humans may possess in greater or lesser degree,

Incompetent individuals tend to overestimate their own level of skill.

Incompetent individuals fail to recognize genuine skill in others.

Incompetent individuals fail to recognize the extremity of their inadequacy.

If they can be trained to substantially improve their own skill level, these individuals can recognize and acknowledge their own previous lack of skill.

I am related to a lot of people who possess these 'qualities'.

A note to my employers (past, present and future)

2008-01-11T11:20:00.001Z

You'd do well to remember that just because I don't complain doesn't mean I am happy.

Escalating problem

2008-01-11T10:01:00.001Z

I'm not sure when this started happening, but I'm having a real problem on escalators. Considering I have to use the damn things at least 8 times a day, it is getting a bit worrying. Travelling on them seems to be ok, it's the getting on / getting off bit that I'm finding problematic. More specifically, the part where the stairs turn into the flat bit is the trickiest. I've lost count how many times I've nearly fallen face first over the last couple of weeks. Now I have developed a mental problem when using them. It's like I'm 4 years old again.

Scooters

2008-01-11T10:00:00.001Z

Just because I am no longer a biker, please don't think I hate scooters any less. It's just now I look at them with jealousy.

There's nothing more satisfying...

2008-01-10T15:22:00.000Z

...than dislodging a raspberry seed that has been stuck between your teeth all day.

CD piracy

2008-01-09T13:10:00.000Z

I've just read that copying CDs to handhelds or CD is to be made legal.

You mean I've been breaking the law all these years? Next they will allow you to copy your vinyl to C60 cassettes.

Gallons of the stuff

2008-01-09T09:54:00.000Z

This is kind of personal, so please keep it to yourselves...

I'm not sure why, but of recent I"m pissing like a racehorse during the night. Normally I can go through the night without a trip to the loo, but it's at least twice nightly now. And it's not like a quick tinkle, we're talking Austin Powers post unfreezing here. I'm not drinking more than normal, I have no idea where all this extra fluid is coming from. It's like I've turned into a giant sponge that absorbs airborne moisture.

Anyway, thought I'd share that with you.

Train tales

2008-01-09T09:52:00.000Z

This guy sat next to me on the train last night. Business suit, briefcase, Financial Times - you know the type. He got on at Waterloo and got off at Ascot, which is about a dozen stops and roughly an hour. Throughout the journey he sniffed. He sniffed every 5 seconds or so, it was like a metronome. Occasionally he cleared his throat, but sniffing was the principal noise he made. When he stood to get off, he reached into his inside pocket, withdrew a pale blue handkerchief and blew his nose. It was almost like he was saving up the whole journey for a big blow. If he sits next to me again I shall have to offer him a tissue.

At Ascot, they shut the rear four coaches on the train because the subsequent station platforms are too short for an 8 carriage train. Therefore at Ascot there is always a slight delay as the guard herds people off the closing carriages onto the front four. I used the time to get my coat on and pack my gadgets in my bag. This youth got on and sat in the seat vacated by the sniffer. As the train pulled off I noticed an unpleasant odour permeating from the youth. It was that 'this item of clothing has been worn far too often and needs a damn good wash' kind of smell. Being a snob and a coward, I mentally belittled him and said nothing. Thankfully, he got off at the next stop. As we continued our journey I realised that the smell was still present and was in fact coming from my own jacket.

Those whacky folks at South West Trains

2008-01-07T10:32:00.001Z

It's not often I have anything good to say about the trains in this country, but I spotted these on my train this morning. I think it's great that SW Trains are now using ornate designs on the carriage windows to keep the commuters entertained. Bravo I say.

Graffiti revisited

2008-01-07T10:27:00.001Z

I published a post a little while ago championing the local graffiti in my neck of the woods. On Saturday I came across this gem which further reinforces my belief that Banksy is a Camberley resident.

I'm in the wrong job

2008-01-07T10:01:00.001Z

It's always a mission getting my family out the house on a Saturday. This weekend was nothing out of the ordinary. It started off ok, nappies changed, offspring dressed, bottles made, dishes washed, all breakfasted up, I'd negotiated my 3 hour drinking pass from my superior. All systems go.

It was 11am, Junior was strapped in the car and we were set. Shit, we were so on time I toyed with the idea that I might even be able to buy the missus a Starbucks (getting more Brownie points in the process) and still make the battle cruiser for kick off.

I was just about to start the car when the boss asked me if it was cold. Now why do women always do that? I gave my usual sarcastic reply like 'not if you are a fucking reptile it's not'. She took this to mean that it was so asked for the keys and went back inside.

10 minutes later she reappeared (I had long since shelved the Starbucks idea) wearing a coat, holding a banana and a large plastic bag from Boots containing what looked like Santa's gift stock for the 2-3am shift. She got back in the car, I asked for the keys and she said 'shit'. She doesn't swear very often, normally at me when I break something, so I knew it was serious.

So, we are in the car, with no keys. Her housekey is on the car keyring. My housekeys could be anywhere, but most certainly not on me. I recall some time ago giving a spare to my mate in case this should happen. Panic over, I rang him. He told me that he gave it back to me last time the in-laws were in town. Shit again, he was right.

We have PVC windows, so breaking one wasn't an option. We have 3 cats, but I've never got round to teaching them key retrieval techniques. I could see one of them on the lounge window cill, fast asleep. I was tempted to wake her up for the hell of it. No good, 118118 and ask for a locksmith.

3 attempts later I finally got one to answer the phone. I explained the situation, that it was cold and I had a baby with me, so he said he'd make a priority call and would be there 'almost immediately'.

An hour later he rang me saying he was held up on the motorway and would be with me as soon as. He eventually got there at 12:30. By this time me and the wife had exhausted our conversation, got over the 'in 2 years we'll be laughing about this' bollocks and were arguing about the tyre pressure on front passenger wheel (why is it always me that has to pump it up?)

The locksmith showed up and took out an A5 sized stiff plastic sheet. He squeezed it into the gap between the door and frame, jiggled it a bit James Bond style and within 30 seconds had the door open. He charged me £108.10 for less than a minute's work. It took him longer to fill out the call sheet.

I got to the pub half an hour early, the wife wasn't going to argue.

Now Xmas is over, whatever next?

2008-01-03T10:36:00.000Z

Spotted in Sainsburys, Camberley on the 29th of December.

From your fashion correspondent

2008-01-03T09:24:00.002Z

Judging by the muff count on the Underground this morning, I am going to make a very bold fashion (verbal) statement:

Ear muffs are this years ponchos.

I've even come up with a strapline that shops are free to use in their marketing:
Ear muffs. Make you look stupid. Worn by wankers.

Wii love it

2008-01-03T09:24:00.001Z

Those clever little budgies at Wii have certainly got my vote. For a year they have been releasing games like cartoon tennis, tenpin bowling and, erm, dancing. Couples across the land have been reaching a compromise:
Hii: I'm going to buy a games console. PS3 I reckon. Maybe an Xbox.
Shii: No way am I going to let you spend your hard earned money on that, but I'll let you buy a Wii because all the games are really girly.

I notice they have just released Tomb Raider and Resident Evil. Rock on!

Overheard on the train

2008-01-03T09:23:00.001Z

Passenger 1: You look cold
Passenger 2: Nah I'm cool.

Sudoku

2008-01-03T09:22:00.002Z

Will people please stop doing Sudoku puzzles on the chuff-chuff. I understand that train journies are as dull as an episode of Last Of The Summer Wine, but why not try reading a book, listen to music or something else more stimulating than writing some numbers down? I've seen people get their paper out, page directly to the puzzles, then put the paper away when they fuck it up. Try reading the goddamn paper, you might read something that you can talk about in the pub instead of your job. The guy next to me on the way home last night took the biscuit though; he used two different colour pens as well as a fluorescent pink highlighter. Anyway, everyone knows they are impossible.

I am a hero

2008-01-03T09:22:00.001Z

Just like the cheerleader in Heroes, I too have incredible powers of recovery. On Xmas eve I cut the top of my left thumb and today it has almost healed. I hope I can keep this quiet though, the last thing I need is some Japanese guy running around shouting 'FRYING MAN' and scaring the kids and pensioners.

Up in smoke

2008-01-03T09:21:00.001Z

In 2007 we got Global Warming® shoved down our throats. Green taxes on just about everything, car and fuel tax going off the scale, the useless and pointless HIPS being brought in for house sales and so on. Particularly so in London with a huge increase in the Congestion Charge basically forcing large amounts of commuters off the road and onto overpriced, overcrowded, inefficient public transport. All this under the 'reduce carbon emissions' banner. With this in mind, I wonder how the Office Of The Mayor Of London can justify letting off fireworks for full 11 minutes on new year's eve.

Belongings

2008-01-03T09:20:00.000Z

As we pulled into Waterloo this morning, the guard announced 'Please take all your personal belongings with you'. What other types of belongings are there?

Russian Front

2008-01-03T09:19:00.000Z

We have cold weather from Russia over the south at the moment. Makes a change from arctic weather I suppose. You wouldn't believe how many folk I have seen dressed in fur (fake I hope) coats and hats, ear muffs and balaclavas. Good people of England, although Siân Lloyd says it's weather from Russia, it does not mean you have to dress like Muscovites. This front has travelled thousands of miles and has lost a bit of it's sting, so let's not over react, alright? It is bloody cold though.

Another reason to hate Chris Tarrant

2008-01-03T09:18:00.000Z

It was revealed yesterday that one of the titular 'funny' man's favourite pasttimes is to walk up to people playing Who Wants To Be A Millianaire pub machines and saying 'Is that your final answer?' It makes them laugh and they spill their beers apparently. He's a card isn't he?

It must be Xmas

2007-12-24T13:52:00.001Z

Judging by all the perfume and fountain pen adverts on tele.

Things we say

2007-12-24T09:15:00.000Z

Anyone reading this that has gone through the whole parenting thing will know that you tend to live in a perpetual zombie state. Anything you do from the hours of 9pm to 5am are generally done on impulse, and trying to remember what you did or said the night before is hoping for too much.

The baby has a cold at the moment so has been sleeping in our bed (that way we can squirt drugs down his throat without getting cold). He was particularly whiney last night, so the missus upped sticks and went to sleep on the couch. She told me this morning that during the night I got came downstairs and said to her 'I'm going for a piss, if you hear a thud it will be the kid'. It was 'my turn' to get a bottle the other night. I got out of bed in my underpants to go downstairs and do the honours. In a sleepy voice, with no hint of irony or humour she mumbled 'put some clothes on, you'll scare the cats'. We're a loving family.

I Am Legend

2007-12-23T21:33:00.000Z

Although the hour is late on a Sunday eve, I still feel the need to record that I have just watched 'I Am Legend', and it is shite.

It doesn't add up

2007-12-21T12:10:00.001Z

When it comes to health, I've had a miserable couple of months. Following my accident, my shoulder and ribs hurt for a long time. During that period, I injured my left wrist taking a laptop bag off my back. I went bowling for a company day out and injured the middle finger of my right hand. (This was because the only ball my fingers would fit into was the fat bastard one. My hands are that big that even a carnie would be embarrassed about them). I got a cold about 3 weeks ago and it stuck around so long it got squatter's rights. During the cold, I developed a stomach bug and pissed through my arse for a week. I've been grumpier than usual because of all this.

Last night we had our company Xmas party. I really shouldn't have gone because I felt rotten, but as I haven't had much fun recently, I thought I would go and drink through my illness and lick my wounds later. I started drinking at 5:20pm. It was a free bar so I drank like someone was going to take it away from me. This continued until 11pm. I was very drunk, I forgot my illness. I got the 11:35pm train home. It got to Farnborough at 20 after midnight. I waited in the taxi queue/freezing air until 1:15am when I finally reached the front of the queue and got a taxi home. When I got home at 1:30am I was told that I had to sleep on the couch because I had Stella breath. I watched some of the darts highlights before nodding off at around 2am. At 6am, I got woken up by my organic alarm clock (my son) and with only 4 hours of (troubled) sleep, went about my normal work day routine. I should feel like death and was half expecting to be in an ambulance this morning, but I actually feel healthier than I have for over a month. Now how the hell did that happen?

Sound advice

2007-12-21T11:51:00.000Z

I've got a lot from my old man through the years (over and above premature hair loss and a dislike for custard). He's a bit of a sage and often dispenses good advice. For instance he told me very early on in my life not to be afraid to listen to the music I want to listen to rather than what my peers listened to. This is probably why I have a pretty eclectic music taste which includes Fairport Convention - Matty Groves, Mel & Kim - Respectable and Einstürzende Neubauten - Z.N.S. amongst my favourite tracks.

Moving swiftly on, here's a selection of some of the better advice my Dad has dished out:
- Never answer a question with a question
- Real men don't dance
- When in doubt, cheat
- Never trust a man who doesn't drink
- Don't laugh at your own jokes
- Never flush the toilet when the train is at a station
- Treat everyone with equal contempt.

If everyone lived by these rules, the world would be a far far better place.

Sheer genius

2007-12-20T14:04:00.000Z

Normally I spend my time on this blog slagging people off, recounting stories of stupid people or moaning about how crap my sports teams are (England bowled out for 81 by Sri Lanka this morning). But this time I am going to stand back and let these two take all the credit they deserve

Don't you just hate it when...

2007-12-17T15:30:00.000Z

...you are halfway through what would be the best sneeze ever, something distracts you and the sneeze is aborted? It's kind of like when you are at a game, and you think your team has scored so you sort of half stand up, half pump your fist in the air and yelp before realising that they haven't so your yelp turns into an 'Oooooo', your hand rests on top of your head and you sit down in an awkward position. For me anyway.

Wretched being

2007-12-07T09:31:00.000Z

I was on the Tube last night, with a beery grin on my chops and 'Prodigy - Diesel Power' in my ears. I have to admit I was a bit of a mess, having power-drank for about 4 hours. I decided that I would have enough time to get a burger at Waterloo before my train limped pathetically back to Camberley. A couple of stops into the journey, this girl got on and sat next to me. She had a Tesco bag full of shopping (she must be pissed off with the tuna / sweetcorn crisis at Sainsburies as well). In it I could see a bag of pasta, a lettuce, a bunch of spring onions, a jar of pasta sauce and a bottle of mineral water (still). I have never felt unhealthier than I did at that moment.

Add...

2007-12-07T09:28:00.001Z

...hangovers to the list below

'Tis the season to be jolly

2007-12-06T14:26:00.001Z

As a bit of an antidote to the Christmas cheer, I thought I would list a few things that have been annoying me recently
People who stand on the stairs at tube stations talking on mobiles. - - - - - Queues. - - - - - People who bump into the back of you in queues. - - - - - iPhone, iPod, iShuffle, iAye. Not the products, the names. It's only slightly more McIrritating than McDonalds McProducts. - - - - - Smoking when I really don't want one. - - - - - Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson, Ian Wright. Individually very irritating, collectively intolerable. - - - - - People who board a carriage as you are trying to get off. - - - - - On train announcements (that are quite clearly assembled from key words by some machine) giving some of the strangest word accentuation known to man. - - - - - Buying something expensive and then finding out you could have bought a similar product that is twice as good for half the price. - - - - - People who have 'the flu' when they have a cold. - - - - - nil-nil draws. - - - - - Xmas decorations in November. - - - - - Office meetings during lunchtime. Or after hours. Or anytime when the pubs are open. - - - - - Being constantly ripped off in the name of global warming. - - - - - Sitting through a 2 hour film and only realising as the credits roll that it was shit. - - - - - Pretty girls who try their utmost to look like something the cat dragged in, ate, sicked up, ate again then shat out. - - - - - Bed head 'fashion'. This has been going on far too long and needs to be stopped. - - - - - xx.99 prices. Taken to a new level at petrol stations where you won't find a litre of petrol without .9 at the end. - - - - - Sudoku. - - - - - Albums that have one killer track and 14 shit ones. - - - - - The Labour government still blaming things on the previous administration. - - - - - The Labour government. - - - - - Terminal 3, Heathrow. - - - - - People that send all staff emails mentioning that they have a birthday coming up. - - - - - Tax on bonuses. - - - - - Clear snot. Snot should be green, accept no substitutes. - - - - - Venders handing out free newspapers. If I want one, I will take one. - - - - - People walking far too slowly for the situation. - - - - - Hats. Specifically Andy Capp style for men, Pimp hats for women. - - - - - Playing the open B chord on the guitar. - - - - - People who read books whilst they are walking. - - - - - The word 'Executive' in a job title. - - - - - Filling out timesheets. - - - - - Takeaway coffee cups with that little hole in plastic lid. It's Russian Roulette with your lips as to how hot the coffee will be. Or tea. - - - - - Diamond stud earings on men. - - - - - Fancy tea. Earl Grey is acceptable, Pomegranate, peach and toad pheromone is not.

Waterloo announcement

2007-12-06T09:24:00.001Z

I was waiting for a train at Waterloo last night and an announcement came over the tannoy:
'We'd like to remind passengers that it is illegal to ride bikes on the concourse. It is a danger to other passengers and also illegal'.

I guess it's illegal then

Rossetta stone

2007-12-06T09:23:00.000Z

There is an advert on tube trains at the moment for some PC software that teaches you lanaguages, called Rossetta Stone. Their strapline is:
'In less time that you've been on this train you could have learnt a few words in a new language'

I could have been fluent in Japanese by the time this particular train arrived at it's destination.

Scrum down

2007-12-05T13:12:00.000Z

I've just been into Marks and Sparks to get my lunch (I've given up on Sainsburies; their SKU on tuna/sweetcorn sarnies is a shambles). They have all these Xmas pressie type things near the entrance which you have to walk through to get to the food hall. I feel like I have just played a full 80 minutes in the front row against Samoa. Women + Xmas + baskets = extreme violence. Cashmere is in apparently.

Talk to the hand

2007-11-30T14:21:00.000Z

I was enjoying my normal Saturday afternoon pint last, er, Saturday afternoon. We were watching Gillette Soccer Special on Sky. On BBC, Wales were playing South Africa in a rugby international. All through the match I was getting texts from two friends about the match; one South African, one Welsh. These men live in different hemispheres and have never met each other. Both were moaning about the ref and giving me updates as they happened. Being the good friend I am, I responded to each of the texts. Not wishing to upset my friends, I do find it wonderful that you support your respected teams so avidly and thank you for sharing your afternoon's plight with me, but honestly, I really don't give a fuck about Wales vs South Africa. Why on earth would I be interested in a rugby match that didn't involve the team I support?

I get this a lot. On Mondays I get all the match reports for various colleague's football teams. Recently I was chatting to a colleague in the work's kitchen. Previous to this, our converesations have never gone past a brief nod and perhaps the odd 'alright?'. He opened up to me and told me he was about to resign and that his best friend's mother had just died. Dude, I really don't need or want to know all this. Some years ago I was in a nightclub and I bumped into an ex-girlfriend. After exchanging pleasantries, she asked if I fancied going for a walk. 'Aye-up' I thought, 'We're under starter's orders'. She spent the next 2 hours telling me about all the troubles she was having with her current boyfriend.

People, people. In future, if I want to know, I'll ask, ok?

Things I've noticed...

2007-11-30T13:41:00.001Z

... on my travels recently

When travelling in the inside lane on a dual carrageway and they car in front indicates to turn left into a side road, the car behind will always try and pull into the outside lane. Why not just decelerate, wait for the car in front to get out of the way and then proceed as normal instead of causing a pileup?

Cars joining the motorway from a sliproad always try and get into the middle lane immediately, as if the inside lane is suddenly going to explode. Motorists that do this tend to stay in the middle lane for the duration of their journey, before violently hurling the car into the inside lane at the last second as they exit the motorway.

If you see a car with the back windscreen wiper constantly on, it will invariably be driven by the fairer sex.

If you want to buy a secondhand car, try and buy one off a pensioner. Guaranteed it will have never gone over 35 mph and will have only ever been driven on a Sunday.